And The Winner Is....

The final tally was:

1) Twilight - 3 votes
2) Monsters Vs. Aliens - 0 votes (one commenter from facebook did mention that it was "not awful")
3) New York Minute - 4 votes
4) A spin on the Lindsay Lohan Wheel of Terrible-ness - 2 votes (this catagory will be appearing again)
5) The Brain That Wouldn't Die - 0 votes

and we had one text-in vote for "Anything by Uwe Bol."

So it seems that animation and movies from the fifties aren't what you want to subject me to. Instad we will be jumping headfirst into the deep end with the "lovely" Olsen Twins. Joining me in this experiment will be my friend Jen Greene. I haven't set a date but I can assure you that by next Friday I will have at least once tried to claw my own eyes out.

Good sirs, good day.

The People Have Spoken!

And by people I mean Devin from Blambo Inc.

So from here on out I will begin my odyssey into the realm of bad movies. I will endevour to sit through the latest from such artists as The Olsen Twins, Uwe Bol (who incidentally is an alright guy), and I won't even yell at the screen when Michael Bay ruins my childhood.

One thing.

I will not, absolutely will NOT watch Ankle Biters. I won't do it and you can't make me. I don't have anything against midget vampires, I promise you, but this movie produced eye bleeding and angry vomiting within mere minutes of me starting to watch it. I won't do that to myself again.

Having been privy to the first five minutes of the worst movie ever made I am however willing to consider myself immune to the effects of any other film. I will even subject myself once more to the penis close-up-fest that is Stoned if you ask it of me.

It is a good year for it too, as Hollywood seem particularly intent on ruining my childhood nostalgia with a barrage of awful movies. In coming months you can expect me to cry (and record the tears here on this blog) as Transformers 2, GI Joe, and *shudder* the Dragonball Movie assault my sense with awfulness.

Until then you get to vote (exciting right?). And the voting begins now:

1) Twilight (twinkly vampires and all.)
2) Monsters Vs. Aliens (My roommate says it's god awful, will he be proven wrong?)
3) New York Minute
4) A spin on the Lindsay Lohan wheel of terrible-ness (which I will create and film for posterity)
5) The Brain That Wouldn't Die (The 1959 classic)

You can vote by sending me a message, email, or twitter. Hell you can write on my Facebook wall if you need to just get to it already!

A Modest Proposal

I think I should watch some terrible movies, and I don't mean movies that we pretend to like ironically but really just like for real reals (not for play play), I mean movies that are so god-awfully terrible that you have to fight to sit through them. I think I should do this and then write about it.

Do you agree internets?

I might bring friends. Misery does love company and we all know (thanks to Mystery Science Theatre 3000) that making fun of movies as a group makes them far more tolerable.

Should I do it internets? I require only the approval of one of my four readers (cue: shameless grab for comments). I will also take suggestions.

It will be like a social experiment on staying sane.

Let me know.

From the Bedside of Mr. Stuart D. Popp Esq.

(cause I can't fit a chair in my tiny tiny room)

Hello to you all, my beloved audience, of which I believe there to be 3-4 of you (readership is up 200% this fiscal year). I am here writing to you, my beer in hand, on this fine Saturday night. To answer any queries that may have arising in your minds just now, the answer is yes. I am drinking alone.

Don't feel bad for me.

I was out with friends earlier, the night simply ended early and I have beer left to drink. So I am merely enjoy a frosty cool one whilst I type. You need not worry about my potential alcoholism, it is non-existent (my Fallout 3 addiction however...). Also it's days away from St. Patrick's Day so give an Irish kid a break.

Enough with the introductions, let's move on to the main point and this time I swear to you, oh faithful readers, that I do have a point.

Or at least a topic.

A topic that has been brought on by a three-way inspiration of 1) beer 2) reading Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman and 3) watching Freaks and Geeks. These have all made me feel nostalgic and wanting to talk about music. So I've tossed away my previous blog idea (or blogdea) a short story entitled Obama-San vs. the Monkey President and I'm going to discuss my musical past.

Now, I don't mean that I played music. To say that would simply be a flat out lie. I am of the musically challenged variety, my artistic skill relegated to the visual and textual realms. I will never woo a lady by playing "Your Body is a Wonderland" on my acoustic that I don't own. I do however enjoy listening to music and I am one of those people who can honestly say they enjoy music from all walks of life, yes, even rap and country.

It wasn't always this way.

There, we just got to the topic and only 3 paragraphs late. So like I was saying, it was not always this way, once upon a time I thought I was a punk. That is to say if asked back in the day, I would probably claim that I was a punk, and that me and my friend were the only punks in town, but that in reality I was full of shit. I couldn't care less about anarchy or any of the things that make up the punk ideology, but I liked fast music and wore my hair bright red and spiky.

Actually, fuck it, I take it back, I was a punk. I may not have fought a bunch and liked irony more than anarchy, but maybe all punks are just a little bit of a poseur inside. In fact I'd bet money on it. The important thing was the music. It was fun. That was the key, because it certainly wasn't technically brilliant or even technically kind-of-good. It was the same three chords, some bass, and some drums played real fast.

Hell, some bands didn't even want to be good, lest they become less punk. NoFX frontman Fat Mike once said that "punk music is just an excuse for terrible musicians to get together and jam." In fact, that very same band recorded an entire album in one sitting on a cassette tape in their garage after they felt that they were become too good at playing there own songs.

I was years away from discovering Led Zepplin and all the wonders of Rock and Roil in the 60s and 70s. My only exposure to Heavy Metal was rap rock bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit. It's no surprise that I looked down on the genre. Punk may not have been good but it also didn't take itself seriously. To kids like me, it was like being in on a big joke that was being played on the rest of the world.

Now here's the part where I take a 180 turn and defend the music I just said was terrible, because despite all its faults the reason i liked punk wasn't just that the bands were in on the punk rock joke. No. It was because they truly did rock. Not in the way that metal bands did, I never wanted to rock out and play drums and air guitar after listening to Anti-Flag. It wasn't that kind of rocking. It was the kind of rock that filled you up with energy. It entered your body through your feet and wrapped around your heart. Your muscles would shake and the only way to release it was to thrash about. This is known as moshing (I know, "no shit," you say but just go with it I'm trying for a style here, jeeze). Whether there was a pit around or not whenever I listen to punk, even to this day, it makes me want to mosh. That was the beauty of punk. The energy. I mean, sure I thought NoFX was funny and some of their songs really got to the heart of growing up middle class and white and Anti-Flag made a lot of political statements (I can't remember if they were any good), but the only thing that really mattered was the energy of the songs, or "how much they rocked out" in teen speak. Nothing else.

So I was a punk, because it gave me a place to get rid of all my teenage energy, and provided a few laughs along the way. The bright red spikes were a mistake (one I paid for with a buzz cut in my driver's licence photo), but the music was not.

Eventually of course, I got to university and, reluctantly at first, discovered music with more than three instruments. My punk days slowly left me behind and my well honed sense of irony an sarcasm found a new home in the indie world (but just on the edge because well lots of hipster are dicks), but every once and a while I get an itch. I clear some space and dig my Fat Music for Fat People CDs out from the depths and let the thrashing take me away.

Surprisingly I have only broken one plate this way.

From the Vault: An Experiment in Gonzo Journalism

Once upon a time, I wrote this and drew the accompanying illustraion shortly after I heard of the death of Hunter Thompson. I decided to write in a Gonzo-esque style and ended up with a short page of messy writing. I know in reality it is not true Gonzo Journalism but a play on Thompson's style so please do not attack me, I did it in the name of fun.

Enjoy.
Sweet Jesus, I thought, there’s no fire. We’ll all freeze up and die! “Bring another candle!” I screeched at the barmaid desperately, hoping that she had not yet succumbed to the bitter frost.

Instead of the candles she delivered wine lists and menus as if forcing us to pay for a chemical fire in our bellies would scare away the dark cold of the air. I thought it best to test her theory. “Beer! I must have a beer!” I shouted at the cheap, fire-hording whorefaces running the bar.

My camera assist ordered something remarkably similar to pinesol in its odour. It must have had something to do with his Island upbringing. Crazy bastard. “I’m sure you are all of legal age,” the waif collecting the menus stated questioningly.

"That’s never been proven!’

“So,” a strange voice interrupted the conversation I was having with our waitress, “who goes to school with this guy?”

I looked about me. Suddenly my table of close compatriots had been replaced by people who I didn’t know at all. I panicked and shouted, “The Fuck! Who are these people?!”

The owner of the voice was briefly stunned. I tried to hide behind the black wall of my beer wishing fervently that the man wouldn’t noticed that I had consumed too much.

Because Sketch Comedy Was Meant To Be Read Not Watched. Right? Guys?

FADE IN:
EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

A group of young men are running down a soccer field in the middle of the park. They are deep in the middle of an Ultimate frisbee game. Their level of extremeness¹ cannot be quantified.

GUY #1 leaps into the air and snatches the Frisbee from its flight path. He lands and whips the Frisbee down the field as two opponents rush toward him.

GUY #2 runs into the end zone and turns down field. He waves his arms above his head.

GUY #2
I'm open! I'm open!

A top hat flies toward Guy #2 and slices off his head. His body crumples like a rag-doll.

A group of other players stands stunned, yet not surprised. More annoyed than anything really.

GUY #1
Damn it! Oddjob!

On the opposite end of the field, ODDJOB stands in a post-throw stance. His top-hat is gone and he is still holding on to his frisbee.

Oddjob looks at the group of guys.

The group of guys stare angrily back at Oddjob.

Oddjob hangs his head dejectedly.

ODDJOB
Maaaah...

CUT TO CREDITS:

BA DA duuunnn BA DA duuunnn ba da luun duunnnnnn!!!!²
_____________________________________________

¹ The fact that this is a real word according to my spell check has vastly improved my evening.
² It's the James Bond theme as sung atonally and textually by yours truly!

Lost. Season 6 Episode 23: The One Where the Dog is Around When I Die

I have returned from the dark heart of the internets. Little know fact: The dark heart of the internets is located in Cleveland, Ohio in the basement of a Starbucks.

"Ha!" you might be saying, "Lazing about on a vacation no doubt!"

You would be wrong. My hiatus has been filled with things such as work, losing my job, getting sick, looking for a job, losing a small patch of hair on the lower back of my head to stress, stressing about this hair loss, being a huge nerd, and generally other disagreeable things. Hardly a vacation at all.

The economic crisis has hit close to home. I am officially a member of the "hundreds laid off" statistic.

"But what does this have to do with your chosen title?" you might counter.

Absolutely nothing. They have nothing in common. I've had a crap two weeks and compensated for by watching TV, most of which was not Lost. So you win this volley, except for the fact that you are a voice in my head and I'm not really listening to what you have to say.

That said...

Have you ever notice that whenever someone dies on Lost the dog is around? Did I just blow your mind? Don't lie, I'll know if you do.

"My mind is at least 53% blown," you would likely admit.

Of course it is.

"But what about the first bit?" you would press on, "The bad stuff?"

I compensate with humour.

Humour and having fake conversations with the voices in my head via the Internet.

"You know they say the first sign of madness is-" you would start to say and then I would interrupt you (because I am prone to rudeness from time to time).

Madness comes with having been to the Dark Heart of the Internets.

Cleveland, Ohio is no place for the sane.

An Open Letter to the Internets

Dear Internets,


Thank you. Thank you so very much for this.

Your friend,

Stu Popp

A Question for the Ages

Do you think Ninja have casual Fridays?

Svelte...

...is the word I am sponsoring for revival in 2009.

Some Uplifting and Positive Recommendations

Twister
The movie not the game. Now granted I'm a sucker for anything that has awesome, crazy scientist characters, but you can't tell me that watching the dynamic duo of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton take on F5 Tornadoes and dodge flying cows is riveting shit.

Mead
The drink of Irish Kings, or so says the bottle I imbibed in over the holidays. It is made with honey and... pretty much it is just fermented honey, which is awesome. It is super sweet and does kind of make you feel like a medieval king if you drink it from a goblet.

"I Love You Beth Cooper" by Larry Doyle
This book by a former (or maybe still current, I wasn't paying attention) Simpsons writer is funny and kind of awe-shucks sweet. I don't really have a joke to go here except that maybe I wish my high school career had a day half as interesting and make-out filled as Denis Cooverman's. Read it before the movie comesout and likely ruins everything forever.

Baconbot.com
A website about all things bacon-related. I don't think I need to explain to anyone why this is awesome.

The Dark Knight
I'm just going to cut the bullshit and just get right down to the only recommendation that really matters: Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight". I have honestly never been this excited about a movie, I can't recommend it enough. In fact, I am so serious about this I am going to recommend it as many times as I saw it. Four. So you better get prepared.

Gimme Fives
The high five is still awesome, but sometimes people suck at them and that is not awesome. Try a low-down, palm-up "Gimme Five" instead and get ready to learn that variety really is the spice of life.

Robert Downey Jr.
From high-flying, technological, superhero playboys to delusional, skin-dyeing, Australian actors this was indeed Mr. Downey Jr.'s year. He can do no wrong (you know except for that whole drug thing but that is in the past). Feel free to add him to thelist of actors who's presence makes a movie worth paying for.

Snow
I've probably said this before, but I love the fluffy white stuff. It provides it's own fun (snowballs) and makes everything look awesome. Here's to a white Christmas every year since my birth!

Having More Than 2 Snowplows to Service an Entire Major Metropolitan Area
Seriously Vancouver, what the hell?

Steak Tartar
I had this, the ultimate in Raw Food, for the first time this year. It's super rich and not at all what you'd expect. If you can get past the idea of eating raw meat than I suggest you experience this as it is actually quite tasty.

Lone Wolf and Cub
The manga, not the films (but only because I haven't watched them yet). An awesome and epic (it spans 27 some odd volumes) tale of betrayal and redemption in Feudal Japan. These books feature sweet sword fights and incredibly accurate historical detail.

Not Having Internet Access For a Week
It is amazing how much less bored one can be when you don't have Facebook to click through for hours on end. While equal parts freeing and terrifying (you actually have to talk to people to make plans!) it is worth it, if only because you will get way more shit done.

"Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow
In the age of the patriot act this is one of the most important science fiction novels to rear its head. This tale of techno-rebellion is apparently a teen novel which I hope means that teens have gotten a lot smarter than they used to be. Read it. Now.

Book Swaps
Can't find a book worth reading? Then get together with friends and swap books. Could be hit or miss, but if you are like me and only hang out with awesome people then you will get a stack of awesome books to read.

Watching Five Bands Play as One
No "Cool" band posturing. No stage politics. It's too big for that. Just a bunch of musicians having fun playing music. The way it should be.

No Really, The Dark Knight
Seriously, not only did this movie not disappoint, it exceeded my incredibly high expectations. Mr. Nolan elevated the superhero movie to something more, a brilliant crime thriller that was also one of the most faithful Batman adaptions ever. In fact, why are you still reading this? That means you aren't watching The Dark Knight, or at least you aren't watching it hard enough. Go! the list will be here when you get back.

Going Without Caffeine Indefinitely
Actually this is pretty much the worst thing ever, but misery loves company so sack up and join me in hell.

Cloverfield
Hud is awesome. Just make sure you sit in the back.

Maudite
Triple malted beer from Quebec. Also known as the beer of the damned after the seven Courier de Bois who rode their canoe into hell to steal the recipe from the devil. Badass. Canadian Badass. If you don't believe me then ask my friend Jordan. Jordan? "Well that is just plain good beer!"

Crazy Yoda
This was what was missing from the prequels (well one of the things). Yoda as a crazy old man, laughing in Luke's face and fighting with R2 over a lamp. I can't beleive I forgot how awesome that was.

Dr. Gregory House
He's the lovably cynical doctor with the heart of coal. What's not to love?

Finding "Your" Sandwich Place
Let's face it, sandwiches are about 7000 times better when someone else makes them and indescribable when someone else makes them well. Find one place, two tops, and just stay with them, forever. It's worth it.

You Suck at Photoshop
Youtube it. You'll thank me. It manages to be both hilarious and surprisingly informative.

Italian Spiderman
Same as above, only way, way less informative.

Spaghetti Westerns
Nobody does iconic American culture like the Italians. Sprawling badlands and big skies are beautifully captured alongside the grit and grime of the Wild West. They turned the spit polished cowboys of classic westerns into the rough and tumble gunslingers we know and love today. Required watching: Once upon a Time In The West, A Fistfull of Dollars, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

In Bruges
It's time to put your misplaced hatred for Collin Farrel aside and enjoy this sad yet hilarious film about two hitmen hiding out in Bruges (It's in Holland) and coming to terms with their crimes. Be prepared though, it is much more carefully paced than the trailers make it seem. Stcik with it though and you will be treated to the suprising comedic genius of Ralph Fiennes.

Ragging on Step Brothers Just to Piss Alice Off
Seriously Alice it was funny, but Comedy of the Year? Really? I mean, Really?

Wait, Have I Mentioned The Dark Knight Yet?
How many times do I have to say this? Let's focus on the late Heath Ledger here. He is amazing. I dare you to watch the Joker and find even a little hint of Heath Ledger there. He completely dissapears into the Anarchic Clown Prince. Not to mention that his introduction, in the form of a magic trick, is the single greatest introduction known to man.

NotCot.Com
If you like design or photography or fashion or architecture or just like pretty things then this is the one stop internet shop for you. Links to everything awesome in the above catagories complete with awesome booze recipes.

Playing Dead Space with a Constant Look of Fear on Your Face
Honestly, there isn't any other way to play it. By which I mean when you play this game a grimace of terror will become permantently affixed to your face. Trust me, those fuckers come out of the walls. *shudders*

Being Forcefed Shots on Your Birthday
This might seem obvious but my birthday is on Christmas Eve so such an outing is rare and I don't take it for granted. One thing is for sure, you'll either black out and forget the things you do or do things you wish you could forget. Or alcohol poisoning. Win/Win.

The Good, the Bad, and the Wierd
Everything I said about Spaghetti Westerns stands, except for one thing: Korea. You heard me right: A Korean Spaghetti Western set during the Japanese occupation of Manchuria. An homage to the Leoni films of the 70s with a Kung Fu twist. Super wierd, but in the best possible way.

Having a Friend Who Wrote Lyrics to the Jurassic Park Theme
Jurassic Paaark
Jurassic Paaark
Staaring Jeph Goldbloo-oom
From Such movies as
Independance Day
and the Fly-ee-eyyyy...
Thanks Miles.

Girls Named Lacey Who Use Their Lacey Underwear as a Way to Help You Remember Their Names
Just Sayin'.

The Stew I Made For Star Wars Christmas
Made with Beer AND Bacon. AWESOME. Don't even get me started on the best ever dumplings that cook on top.

Chuck Palahniuk
His books ever so slowly twist away for the normal into the bizarre. yet, they do it so subtley that you only notice when your done. You will constantly be left with the "what the fuck just happened" feeling that you got the first time you watched Fight Club. Suggested Reading: Choke, Rant.

I'm Serious About This Dark Knight Business
Go. Go Now! Watch. In Theatres. they are re-releasing so no excuses. Titanic doesn't deserve the spot as highest grossing film ever. Buy tickets you bastards!

Getting a Pair of Green Chucks For Free
Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff. Quit being so contrary.

"Anathem" By Neil Stephenson
Set in an alternate history where science is confined to walled-off, monastary-esque enclaves and the world is run by a secular power of people who can only read symbols. I'm only 300 pages into the 1000 page beast of a book but I'm going to go ahead and recommend it anyways.

Calling Bullshit on Shakespeare Tennyson
"Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Bullshit. I prefer "A taste of honey is worse than no taste at all." You know I'm right Al, own up. "Lord" Tennyson indeed...

Throwing a Party in Your Way Too Small Apartment
For one, you can fit way more people in than you think and the hilarity manages to last pretty much the whole night. It also forces you to talk to people you don't know, like French girls. This is the beginning of a whole series of Standing Room Only (or Sardine) Parties.

Breakfast
Most important meal of the day? More like most DELICIOUS meal of the day! The number one meal for bacon makes it the number one meal for me.

and lastly:

Nerding It Up
This has been a landmark year in Nerding for me. I got back into RPGs in a big way. I suggest everyone find one that appeals to them and lets loose. Way more fun and freeform than a video game. But no LARPing or games about peoiple who- (Just kidding Alice I won't give up your secret).

Terms I Have Coined In 2008

Dudelady.

Sex Capitalist.

Pedophile Chic.

Hey Interwebs! It's My Un-Fake Birthday! And Maybe a Little Less Blasphemy...

So I am 24. Officially (As of roughly 9:35pm today).

I do feel a little more grown up, before you ask. I think that is solely a result of having received high quality pots and pans for my birthday and having been excited about it. No real growth there, or maybe it is more genuine growth than those "life changing moments" you hear about.

I'll leave it up to the philosophers.

Besides you come here for bad jokes and to listen to me call Princess Peach a bitch*.

All in all it has been a relaxing two days and I finished 2 and a half books, which is nothing to sneeze at. Nothing much else to say in a paragraph so here are some random thoughts presented in point form:

-It's just isn't Christmas without Scotch, beer, Bailey's, Rum, Wine, and Port. ~EDIT~ And also Mead...delicious delicious Mead... ~EDIT~

-I'm not an alcoholic. Shut Up!

-Snow continues to be awesome and also Vancouver Drivers continue to be hilarious in it.

-My English Grandpa on Irish women: "I thought Mum (my granny) was just Mum, but then I went to Ireland and they were all like that"

-Sleeping on an air mattress in the living takes a bit of the mystique out of the Christmas season.

-Rearranging the Nativity Scene so the Three Wise Men are stealing Baby Jesus and have replaced him with a lamb continues to be hilarious.

-Does getting a slight thrill out of reading The God Delusion in front of my Irish Granny make me a bad person?

And that is all,

Merry Christmas Everybody!

_________________________________________________________________

*Which she is.

Hey Internets! It's My Fake Birthday! Also Some Blasphemy!

photo courtesy of Alice K.

Also, for everyone who did not know, I have a beard now. Turns out it is hard to shave with a dislocated shoulder, so I just went with it. But on to the subject at hand:

My Fake Birthday.

It just so happens that I share a birthday with the Late Mr. Christ (or the day before his birthday, or the nowhere near his birthday because really it was spring blah blah blah) and so it is often the case that I don't get to celebrate the most historical birth in history (I'm talking about mine) with my friends.

People are always asking me if it sucks to have my birthday the day before Christmas. They often are asking this because they assume I get less presents. This is not the case. My swag intake has never suffered on account of my birth's proximity to the other major gift-giving holidays. No, it is often terrible for an entirely different reason.

I don't want to get all sappy here, but what sucks the most is that I often don't get to celebrate with my friends. Now, sometimes it has gotten to me and I have blamed my friends in my own quiet way but mostly I understand. I've never really gone out of my way to make a celebration happen, but then it has always been my way of thinking that planning and throwing a celebration of yourself is somehow boastful and wrong.

But this year it is my Champagne birthday. 24 at 24. Not everyone has a chance to celebrate such an event and I didn't really want to miss out. Thankfully, I did not have to take that step into the realm I didn't feel comfortable in entering as my friends have organized a Fake Birthday today. I'm five days shy of 24, but I'll enjoy the champagne all the same.

Basically what I'm saying is thanks Alice and Graeme for putting this together.

Regarding the Brothers Mario

As a child of the 80s there is one thing I love: Video Games. Not just the flashy 3D graphics to be found on the latest NextGen system, but the pixel-powered pleasures of the post-Atari days (check out that alliteration!). I'm talking Nintendo. I'm talking Nintendo Entertainment System. I'm talking NES. And most importantly I'm talking Mario Brothers¹.

Love and praise for everyone's most beloved Italian plumbers, there are a few things that just don't sit right with me when I take a trip down the green pipe to the land of talking mushrooms and flying turtles. Chief among these is Princess Peach. Now I know there are some Princess Peach apologists out there but I'm just going to come right out and say it, to hell with Political Correctness, Princess Peach is a bitch.

Now normally I'd say cue hate-mail, but in this case I don't think I am alone in this one. After years of finding out that "the princess is in another (fucking) castle,"² I think that my generation is quite frankly sick of her royal highness. I don't think i am the only one who feels like there should be an option to let the princess rescue her own goddamn self.

Not to mention that when you do finally end up rescuing her, after risking life and limb for the sake of love, what do you get? What is your reward? Cake. CAKE! Let me out this in perspective for you. You SINGLE HANDEDLY sack like 12 fucking castles and destroy an armada of Airships that fire living bullets at you and your reward is CAKE! You don't even get a kiss! That sailor who came home from World War II got a kiss and he didn't even know the girl, but you search out and rescue a girl who you are apparently in love with and all you get is some goddamn pastries. Furthermore, I don't even think I ever saw that cake.

The cake is a lie!

I rest my case.
______________________________________________________

¹ Seriously as if it wasn't hard enough for Luigi to escape his Mario's shadow but he had to have the guy's name follow him around as a last name. You fail Ma and Pa Mario.

² And who's side is Toad on really? Looks to me like he's acting as a decoy for Bowser. I think I just uncovered a major conspiracy in the mushroom kingdom here.

Of Cripples and Coffee Bets

or Day 13: The Bloggening

The left side of my body has made it almost 24 years without serious injury, though the pinky finger on my left hand might protest having been torn open by a falling basketball net at the tender age of 11. The right side, also known as the side I use most often, has not fared so luckily. Even most of the concussions I have received in my illustrious concussion career have been the result of a high speed impact of the right side of my skull and some ill remembered solid object. For my time-challenged Web 2.0 lifestyle readers here is a handy list of right-side injuries:

1. Effed-Up (that's the technical term) Knee.
2. Concussions 2 through 5 and 7
3. Broken Wrist (Never properly healed on account of a self-diagnoses that it was a sprain that would totally heal in 2 to 6 weeks)
4. Actually Sprained Wrist
and
5. Dislocated Shoulder on account of saving actresses and totally being a hero.

Thanks to number 5 I have been riding the Worker's Compensation Train for the better part of the 4th Quarter of 2008. The time off has allowed me a lot of time. Time is good. Time also tends to lose all meaning when you have no reference point to base it on. That is beside the point, however, and I don't want to spin wildly off the non-existent topic of this post. We'll both figure it out by the end I promise.*

But before you do, SIDE NOTE: Quintin Tarantino has terrible grammar.

Back on topic, I have had a lot of free time that needed to be filled up with stuff. Stuff. Obviously new friends have been a great source of stuff. And having a roommate on sick leave from his job for the entirety did hurt. But onto the Stuff...

I bought half an XBOX, the other half was a lovely Christmas gift, but it isn't important. The why is important and the why is Girls. Girls have played a large part in the Stuff (Caffeine hasn't but we'll get to that in a moment). Let me put this into a Scenario starring the cast of "House":

WILSON: I just think it is a bit creepy to bring a girl back here on the grounds of wanting to watch a movie and then saying, "Oops we don't have a DVD player, we'll have to watch it on my computer... in my room... on my bed..."

HOUSE: (Witty, Snide, Cutting Remark)

Of course, Time had already lost all meaning at this point and so nothing happened. The days past, I forgot to bring my wallet to a lunch, there were Star Wars quotes, and I sacrificed a copy of "Gattaca" (after almost buying a VHS of "The Third Wheel" starring Ben Affleck for 2 dollars) to my ageing VCR. More pressingly, WILSON was planning on bringing CUDDY over to watch a movie. We simply needed a DVD player so I bought an Xbox. Girls.

SIDE NOTE: Wilson and Cuddy never watched that DVD, but House did kick ass at Mass Effect.

Because I Promised

I told you we would get to the coffee issue, and rightly seeing as it is in the title, and here we are. I'm done with coffee. And Caffeine. And any sort of Pop (I know, "but what about your last name Hur Hur Hur." I secretly hate you...). It started as a simple agreement to better ourselves between A friend and I, we'll call him Jordan because, well, that's his name (and the House metaphor kind of fell apart way back when I had Wilson and Cuddy on a date and House trying to help). He would go without Porn and I would go without Coke.

Of course saying "it started out as dot dot dot" generally means it didn't end up that way. One man's agreement is another man's bet.

"What's it for? How do you win? What's the prize"
"Self-Improvement. You don't. Seriously it's not a bet."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"But..."
"I'm in"

And so my No-Coke agreement became a No-Pop bet became a No-Caffeine Competition. With everyone else swearing off porn. Johnny and the German were the first to fall. The rest of us sit uneasily on Day 13. It's almost over (the day not the bet) and I will be able to lay that lucky 14th strike on the board, but my hands still tremble with withdrawal as I do so, but I don't intend to lose. I'm nothing if not competitive and stubborn.

related SIDE-NOTE: I recently learnt that Chocolate contains caffeine... "thanks" Alice...
______________________________________________________________

*Okay so I was wrong, I still don't know the point of this post and you are probably more confused than I am. But hey, at last it was funny in parts right? right?

Fake Twitter

@Cody @AliceK, I seem to be gathering blogging friends so I should probably start blogging again.

A Note on Top Fives (with a bullet)

I've spent the better portion of my adult life affiliated in some way or another with the industry known so often as "The Industry". Film. Granted I've only really been an adult for four years but technicalities aren't really important here. What is important is a phenomenon that seems more prevalent amongst my peers than any other social circle I have belonged to¹:

The Top Five.
The Dreaded Top Five.
The "I can't pick just five" Top Five
The All-Time Desert Island Top FIVE.

It's an interesting social tool in a world where what you like is oftentimes more important than any other character trait you might possess. Exceptionally honest and possessed of high moral fibre? Too bad, you put White Chicks at number two. I mean, no friendships have ever been lost on account of a top five choice, we're not that cruel, but certainly some friendships that could have been were not based these numbered lists of opinions. Granted these sorts of things can be overcome, but it's a lot easier to make friends in this weird little world, and it is it's own world, if you like the same movies.

It might seem like an awful thing to do, but we do keep the judging largely to ourselves. If you aren't a filmmaker or good friends with a filmmaker (in which case their tastes are expected to have rubbed off) then we don't really care. Your opinion doesn't really matter to the majority of us. In fact to them² you trying to list a top five is almost cute, like a cat pooping in a toilet. It's a dickish and elitist mindset, but it is our nature. We're all critics at heart (we judge ourselves worst if that is any consolation).

Sorry. I apologize for having judged everyone with a DVD collection I've ever met.

Now get over it.

A side effect of all this judging is our inability to choose "just 5" of whatever it is. Usually this indecision is most common when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, The All-Time Desert Island Top Five Films, though it pops its shiny head into any and all top 5 discussions. I personally find it quite amusing that the people who spend the most time thinking about these lists are the people most afraid of being asked to make one. It is a hard thing to do knowing that you will be judged severely for a "wrong" choice. Usually the only way to wrangle a Top 5 out of a film-person is to drop the disclaimer "Only for now, subject to change, and come on dude we're only talking favourites not what you think is best!³" and even then...you'll probably have to give an answer too. Nobody jumps off a bridge unless their friends do it too.

The thought process behind The All-Time Desert Island Top 5 can be broken down like this:

1) This is easiest. Many of my peers might disagree. They might throw out a "How can I really pick just one movie?" This question is bullshit. Picking one favourite movie is the easiest thing in the world. Most people have already done it, subconsciously, and anyone who says they can't pick just one is a liar and probably trying to make themselves out to be someone who has seen too many good movies to choose from and not someone who owns the Karate Kid box set and owner of a Miagi Dojo headband.

2) Number two is a little harder than number one. If you have a number one that you are ashamed of (though you shouldn't be ashamed of your favourite movie) then number two is where you will be trying to make up for it with a more respectable choice. Otherwise this spot is reserved for the film that was almost your number one but then wasn't.

3) The second hardest of them all. This is where you really need to start thinking. Number Three is where you will be rounding out your tastes. Number Three is perhaps the most representative of your tastes on a whole. You need to pick something unlike One and Two so as to really show that you have broad and diverse tastes. You don't want to fuck this up because in a Top 5 really only the top 3 matter, the rest is flavour.

4) Four is easy. Four is the throwaway. You still need to pick something you like (bad choices can still count against), but there is no pressure since anything you forget can always go in number Five. Go with something quirky or a cult favourite to separate yourself from the pack. Go for the funny choice (sometimes a getting a laugh for a choice is better than picking a movie other people actually agree with).

5) The hardest of them all,. This might seem odd because, as I said, only the Top 3 really matter but this is the spot that takes the most thought and is generally the most subject to change. This is because Number Five is the last chance you've got to fill in the blanks. You need to make sure you didn't miss anything and all of a sudden movies that should be sitting higher start coming at you like a hail of gunfire. Godfather. No wait I forgot Easy Rider. Shit. Do I have too many 70s movies? Ghostbusters! FUCK. It's Hell⁴.

There are other rules. I won't go into detail. Knowing too much about the process would taint it for you. Let me just say, god help you if anything younger than a year old is sitting in your top 2. A top 5 Number One needs to be aged like a fine wine, lest you be accused of just liking something because it is fresh in your mind (even if it is the best film ever made).

Now it wouldn't be fair to leave you without giving you my top five, so with all the above information in mind here we go:

The All-Time Desert Island Top 5 Favourite Films

1) Star Wars. The Original. Not Empire.

2) High Fidelity. (It might be that I am pretty much Rob Gordon, but I love this film despite its technical faults. Dave however will say that I am disqualified for this choice)

3) The Big Lebowski (It may not seem like a rounding out Number Three choice to pick a second comedy but what I am really doing here is picking the Coen Brothers)

4) Jurassic Park (Fun Fact: I was almost a paleontologist)

5) The Warriors (I was going to put Easy Rider because I felt my list was too young and too blockbustery but in reality it is The Warriors, with a bullet. In fact it should probably sit higher on this list but that is the indecisive nature of Top 5s)

Now get to judging.

And please feel free to share: I welcome the opportunity to pass my own judgement on everyone else's favourite cinematic experiences

_____________________________________________

¹ Except maybe music.
² And in the interest of owning my faults, I too have thought this way. I'm a jackass.
³ Though really we judge them as the opposite way.
⁴ Last week while talking Top 5's over beers I put The Dark Knight trailer at number 5, safely getting the laugh and avoiding having to make any real decision.

Ode To The Internets: World Wide Web Edition

It has been 2 years and 4 days since the last Ode to the Internets (or World Wide Web as I am calling it now) and I feel awful for ignoring my tribute to sites I love. So check this out:

NOT COT DOT

NotCot is a cool little haven of good design and just generally cool shit. One more reason why I love the World Wide Web (yes I am really going all the way with this one).

From The Desk of S.Popp

An Intro

First things first, I don't want to go into length about my absence or wax poetic about how I will post more in the future. Chances are I won't, anyways. So that is the last of that, now on to the real deal. The reason you came. Le Grande... "French word for blog".

Reading! Writing! 'Rithmatic?

I've been writing, not here obviously, but I've been writing none the less. If you know me then you are probably aware I have several "in development" projects that always seem to be in one state or another of incompleteness. well now we can add two more to that list.

The second idea (chronologically, but presented first to be mysterious and confusing) is temporarily titled The Dagda is a simple tale about a man who discovers that the Northern European mythologies are all true. I expect that the story will follow the structure of the Hero's Tale as most myth stories tend to do, but I'm not quite that far along. For now I am content to dream up images of Faerie Folk laughing in the woods around a Chilliwack dairy farm and Thor as a grizzled old barkeep who keeps a hammer under the bar to deal with unruly sorts.


The first and most advanced of these ideas is City of Glass (after the Douglas Coupland book). Set in Vancouver, it is intended to be an exploration of what it means to be our generation (I think we are on Y though in reality we are probably somewhere between X and Y). It is a project that I am working on with my writing partner Ron Richard, who will also act as the Director of Photography once we get to shooting.

I am posting these ideas on the World Wide Web (F the Internet 2.0, I'm kicking it old school) in hopes that it will keep me motivated to finish both these projects. So if you are reading this feel free to drop me a line and ask how things are-a-comin'. I'd more than welcome the support and I might even send you a page or two to read.

Speaking of reading, my rampage on the literary world continues. Though my voracity has not yet matched my record of 7 books in January, I am still going strong. In fact I just finish this less than 14 hours ago:


And I was pleasantly surprised. Mr. Faulks did a fairly decent job of emulating Ian Flemming's style without falling into the depths of imitation or parody. And hot of the tail of the new Quantum of Solace trailer I was definitely in the mood for a good dose of everyone's favorite womanizing super-spy. If you a Bond fan I heartily suggest you sneak a peek at this one.

"'Rithmatic?" you ask. No I'm not suddenly going back to school for "the Maths" (as they say in Jolly Ol' England) but rather I just wanted a humourous title. Having failed in that desire I shall endeavour to provide you with a suitable arithmetic problem: 2x+7x4 = 3y.

Please solve for "x". The first person to get the correct answer will receive 200 Reader Points (or some other suitably thing of negligible value).