As a child of the 80s there is one thing I love: Video Games. Not just the flashy 3D graphics to be found on the latest NextGen system, but the pixel-powered pleasures of the post-Atari days (check out that alliteration!). I'm talking Nintendo. I'm talking Nintendo Entertainment System. I'm talking NES. And most importantly I'm talking Mario Brothers1.Love and praise for everyone's most beloved Italian plumbers, there are a few things that just don't sit right with me when I take a trip down the green pipe to the land of talking mushrooms and flying turtles. Chief among these is Princess Peach. Now I know there are some Princess Peach apologists out there but I'm just going to come right out and say it, to hell with Political Correctness, Princess Peach is a bitch.
Now normally I'd say cue hate-mail, but in this case I don't think I am alone in this one. After years of finding out that "the princess is in another (fucking) castle,"2 I think that my generation is quite frankly sick of her royal highness. I don't think i am the only one who feels like there should be an option to let the princess rescue her own goddamn self.
Not to mention that when you do finally end up rescuing her, after risking life and limb for the sake of love, what do you get? What is your reward? Cake. CAKE! Let me out this in perspective for you. You SINGLE HANDEDLY sack like 12 fucking castles and destroy an armada of Airships that fire living bullets at you and your reward is CAKE! You don't even get a kiss! That sailor who came home from World War II got a kiss and he didn't even know the girl, but you search out and rescue a girl who you are apparently in love with and all you get is some goddamn pastries. Furthermore, I don't even think I ever saw that cake.
The cake is a lie!
I rest my case.
______________________________________________________
1 Seriously as if it wasn't hard enough for Luigi to escape his Mario's shadow but he had to have the guy's name follow him around as a last name. You fail Ma and Pa Mario.
2 And who's side is Toad on really? Looks to me like he's acting as a decoy for Bowser. I think I just uncovered a major conspiracy in the mushroom kingdom here.
2 comments:
I'm sensing some latent anger and frustration. I wonder what Freud would have said about Video Games.
Stu, it's because Mario represents the purest of all possible knights in shining armour. He does his duty not for any reward, but because it is his duty. Honour is its own reward.
Like Batman.
Post a Comment