New Blogulations

Hey kids and kats!

First off I want to apologize for typing "kats."

You just going to have to learn to live with it I am afraid.

Secondly, I have some new blogulations up at http://stuscmnsblog.blogspot.com/ which is a blog I am doing for my Mass Communications class. Hopefully you find it interesting, but more hopefully I hope you find it doesn't sound too much like Chuck Klosterman (who I have been reading a lot of lately).

Cheers,

Your friendly, neighbourhood Spider-Stu

My TED Talk

TED is a series of talks given each year by luminaries of various field of study. From Theoretical Physics to Environmental Science to the Entertainment Industry (one of my personal favourites being J.J. Abrams discussion of the "Mystery Box"). TED is held in California but they have begun a new initiative in which a series of talks will be held in cities across the globe, with talks given by the locals (or anyone with an interest really, it is the internet after all).

My point is this: TED is coming to Vancouver. I live in Vancouver. I want to give a TED talk.

Now, I'm clearly not a luminary in my field. Some days I'm not even particularly sure what my field is and I'm fairly certain that nobody is going to be interested in hearing the director responsible for Sick. and Boomer and the Beav speak about the fine art of filmmaking. However, all that isn't really important because what I am (or at least what I labour under the delusion that I am) is funny and any series of talks needs to open with a bit of comedy. It lightens the mood and relaxes people before they are mind-blasted by the awesome discussions of matters political and scientific. I know for a fact that TED agrees with me, because there is no way zeFranks talk was secretly about the Higgs-Boson and elementary particle physics.

So I want to be that guy. The one who spends 10 minutes talking about something only vaguely related to a real TED talk to warm everyone up. I want to be that guy and I want to be him in Vancouver at TEDxVancouver.

My topic?

Velociraptor Safety Awareness.

I'll see you at TED.

Prepare your mindscapes!

Adventures of a Part-Time Rogue: Rangers and Elves and Dragons oh my

Let's talk class.

In the Pen and Paper world it is common that various character archetypes are distilled down into classes. There do exist classless systems though we won't discuss them here because a) I've played these games maybe once or twice and b) It would distract from talking about todays subject. These classes in Dungeons and Dragons take the form of recognizable fantasy character types: The Fighter, The Wizard, The Rogue, The Barbarian, etc. Like a lot of D&D and other fantasy they also owe a lot to Tolkien's Lord of the Rings series.

And speaking of Tolkien, let's get into my favourite class. The Ranger.


Ranger's are your wandering woodsman type. Usually seen firing a volley of arrows at the enemy before whipping out a double weapon combo on anyone stupid enough to get close. Think Aragorn or Legolas if you need a Tolkien allegory. Robin Hood is another good example. At later levels you get a badass wolf (or animal of your choice) to accompany you and a few spells to help you out along the way.

My first RPG character ever was an Elven Ranger, and to this day Rangers are my go-to class. I've come to favour Humans over Elves but nothing can beat the range-y goodness of taking out enemies from afar and confounding your allies by never getting hurt (It wasn't that my Rangers weren't brave but they knew the tactical advantages of climbing and hiding in trees at the start of a fight before raining arrow-y death upon the enemy).

I eventually perfected the Forest Sniper Ranger build and went on to test my creative boundaries by creating unique and interesting Ranger characters. Particular favourites of mine were the blind, Celtic Ranger who picked his shots by the sound of an enemies footfalls and the street urchin who fought with two knives and the help of his loyal half-wolf, half-dog animal companion.

And while all this experimentation continues, most recently with a half-elf, apple-eating samurai ranger, it all led me to discover (rather late in my D&D career), my second favourite class: The Rogue. More on these sneaky masters of stealing-from-other-party-members in the next Adventures of a Part-Time Rogue.

Lindsay Lohan Involved in a Pregnancy Scandal... In a Movie.

1:37 Pregnant lady... couldn't possibly be foreshadowing right guys?

1:42 Wow Lindsay looks super-pissed about giving up her seat on the bus to the pregnant lady... smooth moves Lohan.

3:00 I was about to make a "this movie has a token Asian" joke but then it turned out he was Lindsay boyfriend, way to make me feel like an asshole, Movie...you win this round.

4:00 SNL alums... that means the movie will be good right?

4:30 Nevermind recurring poop joke, oh and Lindsay is bad at her job, surprise!

8:00 And all the problems Lindsay will have to fix are laid out in one convenient business meeting

8:30 Dog vomit!

10:28 PLOT! She's (not actually) pregnant to save her job.

11:25 Pregnancies make you unfire-able. It's like being in a union...

12:15 who is this old man who keeps showing up?

13:22 She got the idea from Law & Order, guys

16:31 The nerdy antagonist suspects that the very skinny Lindsay is not, in fact, 4 months pregnant.

17:13 Something terrible is going to happen to that dog, it is like the go to gag for bad comedy writing since Anchorman.

18:49 CALLED IT! Eccentric writer guy just died on the dog. However will Lindsay solve this problem? Will it be at the end of the movie after she has been shamed for faking a pregnancy? Let's find out.

21:00 Yes, because people won't get suspicious if you go from Anorexic to giant preggers belly overnight.

23:01 And the bus joke comes full circle.

25:47 aaaand now we're exploiting the fake pregnancy for capitalism

29:45 The lies they are a-growing. She'll solve her problems by drinking aparently. The true Lindsay Lohan Method.

36:34 You mean the bumbling, attractive, white executive is going to be the love interest and displace the Nice-but-kind-of-immature Asian Guy? Hollywood... I wish I was surprised...

38:00 Fake orgasm joke! HILARIOUS! #sarcasm

39:00 Blandy McBland wants to be a writer? I bet Lohan inspires him to do it, except that would be a cliche...

40:00 And she wanted to be a musician, I see a musical number in this movies future.

43:10 New character lady has Sarah Jessica Parker face...

44:38 Exit Ex-boyfriend stage left

48:13 Nerdy antagonist is now on her side apparently, and there is a really awkward executive named Karl now.

51:42 Pregnancy belly THEFT! because nobody in the store will notice you growing several inches in the change room.

56:50 and now apparently Lindsay has gone crazy and believes she actually is pregnant.

1:09:46 I got bored there for a moment and played some Tetris on my phone. To recap Lindsay's sister went baby-psycho on her and tore up her belly. She replaced it with a balloon. There is no way that could go poorly... right guys?

1:10:13 Pop!

1:11:10 Blandy McBland isn't taking it well, how will LiLo fix this one, and what part will TV Personality Janean Garofallo play in the solution

1:12:40 "The Vista" instead of "The View"? clever movie...

1:14:27 The younger sister who wanted to be a cook but Lindsay wouldn't let be a cook is actually a good cook? shocker. I bet this talent helps solve all her problems.

1:15:48 Ah it ties in directly to the Garofallo conundrum

1:18:00 Pregnant Lady who is in labour is apparently going to be on the Gorafallo show. Oh, no, wait "Clever heartwarming solution" is in effect.

1:23:45 Two Years Later... I bet she's pregnant wouldn't that be hilarious? I should write movies.

1:28:00 Lindsay Lohan apparently needed a stunt double for this movie in which the most strenuous thing she did was slide into home in a softball game...Stay Classy Hollywood

1:29:08 The End. True to it's title this movie was in fact the cinematic equivalent of Labour Pains, I felt like I was peeing out a bowling ball for the last hour and a half...

In the words of a better man than I, "Goldblum ouuuutttttt..."

Guys, I have important news...

Lindsay Lohan + Pregnancy = Hilarity in crisp straight-to Blue Ray HD quality. Am I Right? Guys? Guys? I just wait here in the awkward silence until you answer...

So it seems the Lindsay Lohan Wheel of Terrible-ness has a new spoke. Am I going to watch it and attempt a live-blog along with it?

Survey Says....YES.

(I promise not to enjoy it.)

Interesting People I saw at the Bus Stop the night of the Folk Festival (Apparently)

-A be-dreaded, dutch girl who magically produced a didgeridoo from under her shawl for an impromptu performance.

-Her posse of slightly inebriated weekend hippies, with their tie-die and their hemp bracelets and neatly coiffed hair.

-A stout little man wearing cargo shorts and a tank top carrying a wizard's staff (complete with a magical crystal). I can only assume he was an actual Wizard and that those were his casual weekend clothes.

-An Gypsy chieftain complete with fanciful outfit and creepy dead eye (for looking badass while cursing me).

Adventures of a Part-Time Rogue: The Beginnening

I have a confession to make (though since I'm pretty sure only my friends read this, it won't be a particularly astonishing one): I roleplay.

DUN. DUN. DUNNNN!

And I don't mean in the "I'll be the strict Dean and you be the naughty school-girl" sort of way....well, not for this post anyways. I mean in the Dungeons and Dragons sort of way. Cue visual:
I've been at it since around grade 10, when I was pulled head-first into the world of pen-and-paper RPGs, by a group of friends. The first game was played during a Forty-Hour Famine event at our high school, as a way of killing time and forgetting our hunger. Now here is where most Dungeons and Dragon confessionals will tell you that their group doesn't fit in to the stereotype, but I'm not going to do that.

We did.

That is not to say that we haven't all grown up to be bright young men with exceptional social skills because we have, but at the time we were the geeks,. The nerds. We wore the terms proudly. Most of us are still geeks (we just got better at hiding it) and we have gone on to become writers, game designers, computer programmers, and political scientists.

So you won't hear any apologetic we-were-cool high school D&D stories from me. That isn't to say the stereotypes are wholly true or that I've yet to find "cool" people who play pen-and-paper games. In fact, since high school the stereotypes have been completely left behind and now I game with cinematographers, snowboarders, plumbers, rock stars, frat boys, and yes, the occasional video game producer. I write and direct films, but seeing as how that really is just a more expensive version of Dungeon Mastering (more on that later) I'll leave myself out of that line-up.

We first began playing, 2nd edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Weeks later Wizards of the Coast would release 3rd edition and we would switch to that, but my first game was AD&D complete with THACO (To Hit Armour Class zerO, I looked it up). Now I'm pretty good at math so THACO wasn't that hard for me to wrap my head around, but the logic behind wanting to have one score low when every other score was supposed to be high never made much sense to me. It was needlessly complicated and I am glad it is gone. I do miss rolling character sheets up on nothing but a chunk of loose-leaf though.

So with the Famine rapidly approaching High Schoo Stu had to roll up his first character. It was at this moment, lunch on a Friday in the Tech Support Students lounge, that I began a long career of perfecting the Elven Ranger build. Now I may tend towards roguish humans these days, but I still get a sense of home whenever I play something with pointy ears and a bow. He was pretty rough to start off with, but after all it was the first character I ever made. Later rangers would excel in the art of staying hidden and sniping from the trees, annoying fellow players by never getting hit, and perplexing Dungeon Master's who never did figure out that they should stop setting battles in forests where I was at a distinct advantage.

But old Leos, wasn't quite so magnificent of a build, none of his stats and ability choices really mixed all that well and he had the charisma of a particularly dull chunk of oak. I imagine him somewhere still hacking away at Kobolds with his longsword and rusty chainmail. Somehow I can't see him progressing too far past the early levels, but he's a survivor and my first so I can't allow myself to imagine him dead.

His career lasted all of one game, storming a dungeon alongside a mute, dwarven beastmaster, a talky Half-Elf Mage, and a human barbarian or fighter or something big with a sword that hit people a lot, but somewhere between brainstorming with the mage to set a flaming grease trap for a couple of Goblins behind a door and one-shoting both of the DM's big bad pet dire wolves, I was hooked. No amount of snowboarding and starting positions on the high school basketball team could save me from the nerdery to come.

Three Random Thoughts (and what they mean)

"We need more Steampunk."

This is exactly what it sounds like. I want to see more steampunk in today's pop culture, but mostly what it means is I want to see less vampires. Seriously, the 3 D's (Deep, Dark, and Different) weren't any fun the first time around and they are just plain annoying now. I'm looking at you Twilight 2: Werewolf Boogaloo.

"I really can't remember..."

I had a second thought when I started writing the last paragraph, but now it seems to have disappeared. I am taken aback by this because I remember it being pretty hilarious. I should probably start writing ideas down when I have them, but in the mean time if you promise to pretend that this was funny I'll promise not to start drinking before noon on a Saturday, you know, in a completely unrelated sort of way...

"Gonk, Gonk"

If the everyday average Internet personality is going to start making "my young padawan" and "It's a trap!" references then I think it is my duty as an Alice proclaimed "Star Wars Freakazoid" to start getting more and more obscure with my references to a Galaxy Far, Far Away. Also this t-shirt: Gonk, Gonk

Poor Darrel Hammond...

Was the first note I made about New York Minute as I watched, my eye-gouging fork safely out of reach. But Before we begin let's meet the players:

Me - your faithful, though occasionally Internet-less blogging companion
Amanda - prone to giggling fits so severe we refer to them as "Amanda being broken"
Jen - to provide as much inappropriate commentary as he 5'1" frame can handle
Mary-Kate and Ashley - the stars of this extended Simple Plan music video. Also: twins.

Now that you know who is involved let's get down to the review:

It's a good thing I chew my fingernails because I wanted to claw my own eyes out. Now there are a lot of things I could blame for this, from the needlessly CGI'd doves to Andy Richter's terribly racist chinese accent to the unexpected realization that Todd Schelinger was taking time out from stealing Cindy Saunders from Sam Wier (look at me go with my obscure Freaks and Geeks references) to ride a bike around Manhattan and miraculously run into The Olsen twins on multiple unrelated occasions (a particularly horrible example of which caused a break in Amanda so severe that she could only speak in squeaks broken up by laughter for 15 minutes), but that would be lying. While that was part of it, ultimately it comes down to piss-poor writing, but getting all high and mighty about the need for a higher calibre of writing might seem a little self-serving and also doesn't really matter here because a) the movie made less money than it cost to make and b) it isn't funny.

So, let the nit-picking ridiculous-ness begin. First off, I feel sorry for Darryl Hammond and Eugene Levy. Something terrible has obviously befallen them that being in this movie was the only way for them to pay the bills in 2004. Did the American Pie franchise fall on hard times? I'm too lazy to investigate so let us move on, but before we do a moment of silence for our fallen comedians.

...

...

...

Annnd we are back! Did you know that when Jack Osborn tries to do an American accent he sounds like an Aussie? Neither did I until about 10 minutes in to the movie. Jack doesn't really matter though because he isn't one of the three following things:

1) Attractive
2) An out-of-work ageing Comedian
or
3)Simple Plan

Seriously, Simple Plan was in this movie a lot. I forgot they existed only to discover that they were the wet dream of every adolescent, or barely legal (but we'll get to that later), girl in the New York area in '04. I mean they are almost more important to the movie than any of the 4 alternate storylines. This may in fact be the most expensive pop music video ever made. As Mr. Spock would say, "Fascinating."

Of course, the writer's would say as they pitched to the studio execs, this isn't just your everyday movie about two twins with complete opposite personalities that are on the run from a delusion truancy officer and an equally delusion adopted son of a Chinese Triad mob boss running a music piracy ring while trying to make sure that they get to the Simple Plan concert/essay scholarship contest, oh no, it's also a love story.

Jen: oh come on, she loses her shit over a guy she just met, while naked (seriously we will get to the barely legal thing)? I thought she was supposed to be smart?

The Ever-Observant Me: But all girls are stupid when they meet a hot guy

Jen: *pouting* It's not funny cause it's true.

It's true, our heroes find time to fall in love. One with the randomly appearing bike messenger and former F&G cast member, the other with the prone-to-be-kidnapped son of a New York State senator.

And almost none of it is believable! but then again this is a movie where a towel wrapped around your body can survive falling two stories from a window washing lift and running around several blocks of Manhattan. Amanda took particular umbrage with the lack of proper towel physics, one might go so far as to say it ruined the movie for her.

Now we finally get to the barely legal portion of the review. Or according to my hastily done research on the Internet Movie Database, the month-and-a-half shy of legal part of the review. You see, back in 2004, when the movie was released the world had become fascinated with the Olsen twins turning 18 and therefor becoming legal and age-appropriate for the dreams of frat-boys across America (and parts of Canada). The writers were clearly aware of this and endeavoured to create as many situations that would lead to naked Olsen Twins, up to and including a scene rife with symbolism in which a large snake finds its way into a shower with a wet and clothing-ly challenged Ashley Olsen. I imagine there was much high-fiving in the office of the writing team when they snuck that one by Standards and Practises.

And that's it, I made it through without serious injury or brain damage, something that may have only been made possible by the occasional pausing of the movie due to incredibly loud fits of laughter erupting from the Amanda side of the couch. In conclusion, don't watch this movie alone (especially not if any sort of gouging or scooping tool is readily available) and learn to laugh at it, not with it.

Verdict: So bad it's good (but only barely).

And The Winner Is....

The final tally was:

1) Twilight - 3 votes
2) Monsters Vs. Aliens - 0 votes (one commenter from facebook did mention that it was "not awful")
3) New York Minute - 4 votes
4) A spin on the Lindsay Lohan Wheel of Terrible-ness - 2 votes (this catagory will be appearing again)
5) The Brain That Wouldn't Die - 0 votes

and we had one text-in vote for "Anything by Uwe Bol."

So it seems that animation and movies from the fifties aren't what you want to subject me to. Instad we will be jumping headfirst into the deep end with the "lovely" Olsen Twins. Joining me in this experiment will be my friend Jen Greene. I haven't set a date but I can assure you that by next Friday I will have at least once tried to claw my own eyes out.

Good sirs, good day.

The People Have Spoken!

And by people I mean Devin from Blambo Inc.

So from here on out I will begin my odyssey into the realm of bad movies. I will endevour to sit through the latest from such artists as The Olsen Twins, Uwe Bol (who incidentally is an alright guy), and I won't even yell at the screen when Michael Bay ruins my childhood.

One thing.

I will not, absolutely will NOT watch Ankle Biters. I won't do it and you can't make me. I don't have anything against midget vampires, I promise you, but this movie produced eye bleeding and angry vomiting within mere minutes of me starting to watch it. I won't do that to myself again.

Having been privy to the first five minutes of the worst movie ever made I am however willing to consider myself immune to the effects of any other film. I will even subject myself once more to the penis close-up-fest that is Stoned if you ask it of me.

It is a good year for it too, as Hollywood seem particularly intent on ruining my childhood nostalgia with a barrage of awful movies. In coming months you can expect me to cry (and record the tears here on this blog) as Transformers 2, GI Joe, and *shudder* the Dragonball Movie assault my sense with awfulness.

Until then you get to vote (exciting right?). And the voting begins now:

1) Twilight (twinkly vampires and all.)
2) Monsters Vs. Aliens (My roommate says it's god awful, will he be proven wrong?)
3) New York Minute
4) A spin on the Lindsay Lohan wheel of terrible-ness (which I will create and film for posterity)
5) The Brain That Wouldn't Die (The 1959 classic)

You can vote by sending me a message, email, or twitter. Hell you can write on my Facebook wall if you need to just get to it already!

A Modest Proposal

I think I should watch some terrible movies, and I don't mean movies that we pretend to like ironically but really just like for real reals (not for play play), I mean movies that are so god-awfully terrible that you have to fight to sit through them. I think I should do this and then write about it.

Do you agree internets?

I might bring friends. Misery does love company and we all know (thanks to Mystery Science Theatre 3000) that making fun of movies as a group makes them far more tolerable.

Should I do it internets? I require only the approval of one of my four readers (cue: shameless grab for comments). I will also take suggestions.

It will be like a social experiment on staying sane.

Let me know.

From the Bedside of Mr. Stuart D. Popp Esq.

(cause I can't fit a chair in my tiny tiny room)

Hello to you all, my beloved audience, of which I believe there to be 3-4 of you (readership is up 200% this fiscal year). I am here writing to you, my beer in hand, on this fine Saturday night. To answer any queries that may have arising in your minds just now, the answer is yes. I am drinking alone.

Don't feel bad for me.

I was out with friends earlier, the night simply ended early and I have beer left to drink. So I am merely enjoy a frosty cool one whilst I type. You need not worry about my potential alcoholism, it is non-existent (my Fallout 3 addiction however...). Also it's days away from St. Patrick's Day so give an Irish kid a break.

Enough with the introductions, let's move on to the main point and this time I swear to you, oh faithful readers, that I do have a point.

Or at least a topic.

A topic that has been brought on by a three-way inspiration of 1) beer 2) reading Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman and 3) watching Freaks and Geeks. These have all made me feel nostalgic and wanting to talk about music. So I've tossed away my previous blog idea (or blogdea) a short story entitled Obama-San vs. the Monkey President and I'm going to discuss my musical past.

Now, I don't mean that I played music. To say that would simply be a flat out lie. I am of the musically challenged variety, my artistic skill relegated to the visual and textual realms. I will never woo a lady by playing "Your Body is a Wonderland" on my acoustic that I don't own. I do however enjoy listening to music and I am one of those people who can honestly say they enjoy music from all walks of life, yes, even rap and country.

It wasn't always this way.

There, we just got to the topic and only 3 paragraphs late. So like I was saying, it was not always this way, once upon a time I thought I was a punk. That is to say if asked back in the day, I would probably claim that I was a punk, and that me and my friend were the only punks in town, but that in reality I was full of shit. I couldn't care less about anarchy or any of the things that make up the punk ideology, but I liked fast music and wore my hair bright red and spiky.

Actually, fuck it, I take it back, I was a punk. I may not have fought a bunch and liked irony more than anarchy, but maybe all punks are just a little bit of a poseur inside. In fact I'd bet money on it. The important thing was the music. It was fun. That was the key, because it certainly wasn't technically brilliant or even technically kind-of-good. It was the same three chords, some bass, and some drums played real fast.

Hell, some bands didn't even want to be good, lest they become less punk. NoFX frontman Fat Mike once said that "punk music is just an excuse for terrible musicians to get together and jam." In fact, that very same band recorded an entire album in one sitting on a cassette tape in their garage after they felt that they were become too good at playing there own songs.

I was years away from discovering Led Zepplin and all the wonders of Rock and Roil in the 60s and 70s. My only exposure to Heavy Metal was rap rock bands like Korn and Limp Bizkit. It's no surprise that I looked down on the genre. Punk may not have been good but it also didn't take itself seriously. To kids like me, it was like being in on a big joke that was being played on the rest of the world.

Now here's the part where I take a 180 turn and defend the music I just said was terrible, because despite all its faults the reason i liked punk wasn't just that the bands were in on the punk rock joke. No. It was because they truly did rock. Not in the way that metal bands did, I never wanted to rock out and play drums and air guitar after listening to Anti-Flag. It wasn't that kind of rocking. It was the kind of rock that filled you up with energy. It entered your body through your feet and wrapped around your heart. Your muscles would shake and the only way to release it was to thrash about. This is known as moshing (I know, "no shit," you say but just go with it I'm trying for a style here, jeeze). Whether there was a pit around or not whenever I listen to punk, even to this day, it makes me want to mosh. That was the beauty of punk. The energy. I mean, sure I thought NoFX was funny and some of their songs really got to the heart of growing up middle class and white and Anti-Flag made a lot of political statements (I can't remember if they were any good), but the only thing that really mattered was the energy of the songs, or "how much they rocked out" in teen speak. Nothing else.

So I was a punk, because it gave me a place to get rid of all my teenage energy, and provided a few laughs along the way. The bright red spikes were a mistake (one I paid for with a buzz cut in my driver's licence photo), but the music was not.

Eventually of course, I got to university and, reluctantly at first, discovered music with more than three instruments. My punk days slowly left me behind and my well honed sense of irony an sarcasm found a new home in the indie world (but just on the edge because well lots of hipster are dicks), but every once and a while I get an itch. I clear some space and dig my Fat Music for Fat People CDs out from the depths and let the thrashing take me away.

Surprisingly I have only broken one plate this way.

From the Vault: An Experiment in Gonzo Journalism

Once upon a time, I wrote this and drew the accompanying illustraion shortly after I heard of the death of Hunter Thompson. I decided to write in a Gonzo-esque style and ended up with a short page of messy writing. I know in reality it is not true Gonzo Journalism but a play on Thompson's style so please do not attack me, I did it in the name of fun.

Enjoy.
Sweet Jesus, I thought, there’s no fire. We’ll all freeze up and die! “Bring another candle!” I screeched at the barmaid desperately, hoping that she had not yet succumbed to the bitter frost.

Instead of the candles she delivered wine lists and menus as if forcing us to pay for a chemical fire in our bellies would scare away the dark cold of the air. I thought it best to test her theory. “Beer! I must have a beer!” I shouted at the cheap, fire-hording whorefaces running the bar.

My camera assist ordered something remarkably similar to pinesol in its odour. It must have had something to do with his Island upbringing. Crazy bastard. “I’m sure you are all of legal age,” the waif collecting the menus stated questioningly.

"That’s never been proven!’

“So,” a strange voice interrupted the conversation I was having with our waitress, “who goes to school with this guy?”

I looked about me. Suddenly my table of close compatriots had been replaced by people who I didn’t know at all. I panicked and shouted, “The Fuck! Who are these people?!”

The owner of the voice was briefly stunned. I tried to hide behind the black wall of my beer wishing fervently that the man wouldn’t noticed that I had consumed too much.

Because Sketch Comedy Was Meant To Be Read Not Watched. Right? Guys?

FADE IN:
EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

A group of young men are running down a soccer field in the middle of the park. They are deep in the middle of an Ultimate frisbee game. Their level of extremeness¹ cannot be quantified.

GUY #1 leaps into the air and snatches the Frisbee from its flight path. He lands and whips the Frisbee down the field as two opponents rush toward him.

GUY #2 runs into the end zone and turns down field. He waves his arms above his head.

GUY #2
I'm open! I'm open!

A top hat flies toward Guy #2 and slices off his head. His body crumples like a rag-doll.

A group of other players stands stunned, yet not surprised. More annoyed than anything really.

GUY #1
Damn it! Oddjob!

On the opposite end of the field, ODDJOB stands in a post-throw stance. His top-hat is gone and he is still holding on to his frisbee.

Oddjob looks at the group of guys.

The group of guys stare angrily back at Oddjob.

Oddjob hangs his head dejectedly.

ODDJOB
Maaaah...

CUT TO CREDITS:

BA DA duuunnn BA DA duuunnn ba da luun duunnnnnn!!!!²
_____________________________________________

¹ The fact that this is a real word according to my spell check has vastly improved my evening.
² It's the James Bond theme as sung atonally and textually by yours truly!

Lost. Season 6 Episode 23: The One Where the Dog is Around When I Die

I have returned from the dark heart of the internets. Little know fact: The dark heart of the internets is located in Cleveland, Ohio in the basement of a Starbucks.

"Ha!" you might be saying, "Lazing about on a vacation no doubt!"

You would be wrong. My hiatus has been filled with things such as work, losing my job, getting sick, looking for a job, losing a small patch of hair on the lower back of my head to stress, stressing about this hair loss, being a huge nerd, and generally other disagreeable things. Hardly a vacation at all.

The economic crisis has hit close to home. I am officially a member of the "hundreds laid off" statistic.

"But what does this have to do with your chosen title?" you might counter.

Absolutely nothing. They have nothing in common. I've had a crap two weeks and compensated for by watching TV, most of which was not Lost. So you win this volley, except for the fact that you are a voice in my head and I'm not really listening to what you have to say.

That said...

Have you ever notice that whenever someone dies on Lost the dog is around? Did I just blow your mind? Don't lie, I'll know if you do.

"My mind is at least 53% blown," you would likely admit.

Of course it is.

"But what about the first bit?" you would press on, "The bad stuff?"

I compensate with humour.

Humour and having fake conversations with the voices in my head via the Internet.

"You know they say the first sign of madness is-" you would start to say and then I would interrupt you (because I am prone to rudeness from time to time).

Madness comes with having been to the Dark Heart of the Internets.

Cleveland, Ohio is no place for the sane.

An Open Letter to the Internets

Dear Internets,


Thank you. Thank you so very much for this.

Your friend,

Stu Popp

A Question for the Ages

Do you think Ninja have casual Fridays?

Svelte...

...is the word I am sponsoring for revival in 2009.

Some Uplifting and Positive Recommendations

Twister
The movie not the game. Now granted I'm a sucker for anything that has awesome, crazy scientist characters, but you can't tell me that watching the dynamic duo of Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton take on F5 Tornadoes and dodge flying cows is riveting shit.

Mead
The drink of Irish Kings, or so says the bottle I imbibed in over the holidays. It is made with honey and... pretty much it is just fermented honey, which is awesome. It is super sweet and does kind of make you feel like a medieval king if you drink it from a goblet.

"I Love You Beth Cooper" by Larry Doyle
This book by a former (or maybe still current, I wasn't paying attention) Simpsons writer is funny and kind of awe-shucks sweet. I don't really have a joke to go here except that maybe I wish my high school career had a day half as interesting and make-out filled as Denis Cooverman's. Read it before the movie comesout and likely ruins everything forever.

Baconbot.com
A website about all things bacon-related. I don't think I need to explain to anyone why this is awesome.

The Dark Knight
I'm just going to cut the bullshit and just get right down to the only recommendation that really matters: Christopher Nolan's "The Dark Knight". I have honestly never been this excited about a movie, I can't recommend it enough. In fact, I am so serious about this I am going to recommend it as many times as I saw it. Four. So you better get prepared.

Gimme Fives
The high five is still awesome, but sometimes people suck at them and that is not awesome. Try a low-down, palm-up "Gimme Five" instead and get ready to learn that variety really is the spice of life.

Robert Downey Jr.
From high-flying, technological, superhero playboys to delusional, skin-dyeing, Australian actors this was indeed Mr. Downey Jr.'s year. He can do no wrong (you know except for that whole drug thing but that is in the past). Feel free to add him to thelist of actors who's presence makes a movie worth paying for.

Snow
I've probably said this before, but I love the fluffy white stuff. It provides it's own fun (snowballs) and makes everything look awesome. Here's to a white Christmas every year since my birth!

Having More Than 2 Snowplows to Service an Entire Major Metropolitan Area
Seriously Vancouver, what the hell?

Steak Tartar
I had this, the ultimate in Raw Food, for the first time this year. It's super rich and not at all what you'd expect. If you can get past the idea of eating raw meat than I suggest you experience this as it is actually quite tasty.

Lone Wolf and Cub
The manga, not the films (but only because I haven't watched them yet). An awesome and epic (it spans 27 some odd volumes) tale of betrayal and redemption in Feudal Japan. These books feature sweet sword fights and incredibly accurate historical detail.

Not Having Internet Access For a Week
It is amazing how much less bored one can be when you don't have Facebook to click through for hours on end. While equal parts freeing and terrifying (you actually have to talk to people to make plans!) it is worth it, if only because you will get way more shit done.

"Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow
In the age of the patriot act this is one of the most important science fiction novels to rear its head. This tale of techno-rebellion is apparently a teen novel which I hope means that teens have gotten a lot smarter than they used to be. Read it. Now.

Book Swaps
Can't find a book worth reading? Then get together with friends and swap books. Could be hit or miss, but if you are like me and only hang out with awesome people then you will get a stack of awesome books to read.

Watching Five Bands Play as One
No "Cool" band posturing. No stage politics. It's too big for that. Just a bunch of musicians having fun playing music. The way it should be.

No Really, The Dark Knight
Seriously, not only did this movie not disappoint, it exceeded my incredibly high expectations. Mr. Nolan elevated the superhero movie to something more, a brilliant crime thriller that was also one of the most faithful Batman adaptions ever. In fact, why are you still reading this? That means you aren't watching The Dark Knight, or at least you aren't watching it hard enough. Go! the list will be here when you get back.

Going Without Caffeine Indefinitely
Actually this is pretty much the worst thing ever, but misery loves company so sack up and join me in hell.

Cloverfield
Hud is awesome. Just make sure you sit in the back.

Maudite
Triple malted beer from Quebec. Also known as the beer of the damned after the seven Courier de Bois who rode their canoe into hell to steal the recipe from the devil. Badass. Canadian Badass. If you don't believe me then ask my friend Jordan. Jordan? "Well that is just plain good beer!"

Crazy Yoda
This was what was missing from the prequels (well one of the things). Yoda as a crazy old man, laughing in Luke's face and fighting with R2 over a lamp. I can't beleive I forgot how awesome that was.

Dr. Gregory House
He's the lovably cynical doctor with the heart of coal. What's not to love?

Finding "Your" Sandwich Place
Let's face it, sandwiches are about 7000 times better when someone else makes them and indescribable when someone else makes them well. Find one place, two tops, and just stay with them, forever. It's worth it.

You Suck at Photoshop
Youtube it. You'll thank me. It manages to be both hilarious and surprisingly informative.

Italian Spiderman
Same as above, only way, way less informative.

Spaghetti Westerns
Nobody does iconic American culture like the Italians. Sprawling badlands and big skies are beautifully captured alongside the grit and grime of the Wild West. They turned the spit polished cowboys of classic westerns into the rough and tumble gunslingers we know and love today. Required watching: Once upon a Time In The West, A Fistfull of Dollars, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

In Bruges
It's time to put your misplaced hatred for Collin Farrel aside and enjoy this sad yet hilarious film about two hitmen hiding out in Bruges (It's in Holland) and coming to terms with their crimes. Be prepared though, it is much more carefully paced than the trailers make it seem. Stcik with it though and you will be treated to the suprising comedic genius of Ralph Fiennes.

Ragging on Step Brothers Just to Piss Alice Off
Seriously Alice it was funny, but Comedy of the Year? Really? I mean, Really?

Wait, Have I Mentioned The Dark Knight Yet?
How many times do I have to say this? Let's focus on the late Heath Ledger here. He is amazing. I dare you to watch the Joker and find even a little hint of Heath Ledger there. He completely dissapears into the Anarchic Clown Prince. Not to mention that his introduction, in the form of a magic trick, is the single greatest introduction known to man.

NotCot.Com
If you like design or photography or fashion or architecture or just like pretty things then this is the one stop internet shop for you. Links to everything awesome in the above catagories complete with awesome booze recipes.

Playing Dead Space with a Constant Look of Fear on Your Face
Honestly, there isn't any other way to play it. By which I mean when you play this game a grimace of terror will become permantently affixed to your face. Trust me, those fuckers come out of the walls. *shudders*

Being Forcefed Shots on Your Birthday
This might seem obvious but my birthday is on Christmas Eve so such an outing is rare and I don't take it for granted. One thing is for sure, you'll either black out and forget the things you do or do things you wish you could forget. Or alcohol poisoning. Win/Win.

The Good, the Bad, and the Wierd
Everything I said about Spaghetti Westerns stands, except for one thing: Korea. You heard me right: A Korean Spaghetti Western set during the Japanese occupation of Manchuria. An homage to the Leoni films of the 70s with a Kung Fu twist. Super wierd, but in the best possible way.

Having a Friend Who Wrote Lyrics to the Jurassic Park Theme
Jurassic Paaark
Jurassic Paaark
Staaring Jeph Goldbloo-oom
From Such movies as
Independance Day
and the Fly-ee-eyyyy...
Thanks Miles.

Girls Named Lacey Who Use Their Lacey Underwear as a Way to Help You Remember Their Names
Just Sayin'.

The Stew I Made For Star Wars Christmas
Made with Beer AND Bacon. AWESOME. Don't even get me started on the best ever dumplings that cook on top.

Chuck Palahniuk
His books ever so slowly twist away for the normal into the bizarre. yet, they do it so subtley that you only notice when your done. You will constantly be left with the "what the fuck just happened" feeling that you got the first time you watched Fight Club. Suggested Reading: Choke, Rant.

I'm Serious About This Dark Knight Business
Go. Go Now! Watch. In Theatres. they are re-releasing so no excuses. Titanic doesn't deserve the spot as highest grossing film ever. Buy tickets you bastards!

Getting a Pair of Green Chucks For Free
Seriously, who doesn't like free stuff. Quit being so contrary.

"Anathem" By Neil Stephenson
Set in an alternate history where science is confined to walled-off, monastary-esque enclaves and the world is run by a secular power of people who can only read symbols. I'm only 300 pages into the 1000 page beast of a book but I'm going to go ahead and recommend it anyways.

Calling Bullshit on Shakespeare Tennyson
"Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Bullshit. I prefer "A taste of honey is worse than no taste at all." You know I'm right Al, own up. "Lord" Tennyson indeed...

Throwing a Party in Your Way Too Small Apartment
For one, you can fit way more people in than you think and the hilarity manages to last pretty much the whole night. It also forces you to talk to people you don't know, like French girls. This is the beginning of a whole series of Standing Room Only (or Sardine) Parties.

Breakfast
Most important meal of the day? More like most DELICIOUS meal of the day! The number one meal for bacon makes it the number one meal for me.

and lastly:

Nerding It Up
This has been a landmark year in Nerding for me. I got back into RPGs in a big way. I suggest everyone find one that appeals to them and lets loose. Way more fun and freeform than a video game. But no LARPing or games about peoiple who- (Just kidding Alice I won't give up your secret).