Three Random Thoughts (and what they mean)

"We need more Steampunk."

This is exactly what it sounds like. I want to see more steampunk in today's pop culture, but mostly what it means is I want to see less vampires. Seriously, the 3 D's (Deep, Dark, and Different) weren't any fun the first time around and they are just plain annoying now. I'm looking at you Twilight 2: Werewolf Boogaloo.

"I really can't remember..."

I had a second thought when I started writing the last paragraph, but now it seems to have disappeared. I am taken aback by this because I remember it being pretty hilarious. I should probably start writing ideas down when I have them, but in the mean time if you promise to pretend that this was funny I'll promise not to start drinking before noon on a Saturday, you know, in a completely unrelated sort of way...

"Gonk, Gonk"

If the everyday average Internet personality is going to start making "my young padawan" and "It's a trap!" references then I think it is my duty as an Alice proclaimed "Star Wars Freakazoid" to start getting more and more obscure with my references to a Galaxy Far, Far Away. Also this t-shirt: Gonk, Gonk

Poor Darrel Hammond...

Was the first note I made about New York Minute as I watched, my eye-gouging fork safely out of reach. But Before we begin let's meet the players:

Me - your faithful, though occasionally Internet-less blogging companion
Amanda - prone to giggling fits so severe we refer to them as "Amanda being broken"
Jen - to provide as much inappropriate commentary as he 5'1" frame can handle
Mary-Kate and Ashley - the stars of this extended Simple Plan music video. Also: twins.

Now that you know who is involved let's get down to the review:

It's a good thing I chew my fingernails because I wanted to claw my own eyes out. Now there are a lot of things I could blame for this, from the needlessly CGI'd doves to Andy Richter's terribly racist chinese accent to the unexpected realization that Todd Schelinger was taking time out from stealing Cindy Saunders from Sam Wier (look at me go with my obscure Freaks and Geeks references) to ride a bike around Manhattan and miraculously run into The Olsen twins on multiple unrelated occasions (a particularly horrible example of which caused a break in Amanda so severe that she could only speak in squeaks broken up by laughter for 15 minutes), but that would be lying. While that was part of it, ultimately it comes down to piss-poor writing, but getting all high and mighty about the need for a higher calibre of writing might seem a little self-serving and also doesn't really matter here because a) the movie made less money than it cost to make and b) it isn't funny.

So, let the nit-picking ridiculous-ness begin. First off, I feel sorry for Darryl Hammond and Eugene Levy. Something terrible has obviously befallen them that being in this movie was the only way for them to pay the bills in 2004. Did the American Pie franchise fall on hard times? I'm too lazy to investigate so let us move on, but before we do a moment of silence for our fallen comedians.

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Annnd we are back! Did you know that when Jack Osborn tries to do an American accent he sounds like an Aussie? Neither did I until about 10 minutes in to the movie. Jack doesn't really matter though because he isn't one of the three following things:

1) Attractive
2) An out-of-work ageing Comedian
or
3)Simple Plan

Seriously, Simple Plan was in this movie a lot. I forgot they existed only to discover that they were the wet dream of every adolescent, or barely legal (but we'll get to that later), girl in the New York area in '04. I mean they are almost more important to the movie than any of the 4 alternate storylines. This may in fact be the most expensive pop music video ever made. As Mr. Spock would say, "Fascinating."

Of course, the writer's would say as they pitched to the studio execs, this isn't just your everyday movie about two twins with complete opposite personalities that are on the run from a delusion truancy officer and an equally delusion adopted son of a Chinese Triad mob boss running a music piracy ring while trying to make sure that they get to the Simple Plan concert/essay scholarship contest, oh no, it's also a love story.

Jen: oh come on, she loses her shit over a guy she just met, while naked (seriously we will get to the barely legal thing)? I thought she was supposed to be smart?

The Ever-Observant Me: But all girls are stupid when they meet a hot guy

Jen: *pouting* It's not funny cause it's true.

It's true, our heroes find time to fall in love. One with the randomly appearing bike messenger and former F&G cast member, the other with the prone-to-be-kidnapped son of a New York State senator.

And almost none of it is believable! but then again this is a movie where a towel wrapped around your body can survive falling two stories from a window washing lift and running around several blocks of Manhattan. Amanda took particular umbrage with the lack of proper towel physics, one might go so far as to say it ruined the movie for her.

Now we finally get to the barely legal portion of the review. Or according to my hastily done research on the Internet Movie Database, the month-and-a-half shy of legal part of the review. You see, back in 2004, when the movie was released the world had become fascinated with the Olsen twins turning 18 and therefor becoming legal and age-appropriate for the dreams of frat-boys across America (and parts of Canada). The writers were clearly aware of this and endeavoured to create as many situations that would lead to naked Olsen Twins, up to and including a scene rife with symbolism in which a large snake finds its way into a shower with a wet and clothing-ly challenged Ashley Olsen. I imagine there was much high-fiving in the office of the writing team when they snuck that one by Standards and Practises.

And that's it, I made it through without serious injury or brain damage, something that may have only been made possible by the occasional pausing of the movie due to incredibly loud fits of laughter erupting from the Amanda side of the couch. In conclusion, don't watch this movie alone (especially not if any sort of gouging or scooping tool is readily available) and learn to laugh at it, not with it.

Verdict: So bad it's good (but only barely).