From the Vault: An Experiment in Gonzo Journalism

Once upon a time, I wrote this and drew the accompanying illustraion shortly after I heard of the death of Hunter Thompson. I decided to write in a Gonzo-esque style and ended up with a short page of messy writing. I know in reality it is not true Gonzo Journalism but a play on Thompson's style so please do not attack me, I did it in the name of fun.

Enjoy.
Sweet Jesus, I thought, there’s no fire. We’ll all freeze up and die! “Bring another candle!” I screeched at the barmaid desperately, hoping that she had not yet succumbed to the bitter frost.

Instead of the candles she delivered wine lists and menus as if forcing us to pay for a chemical fire in our bellies would scare away the dark cold of the air. I thought it best to test her theory. “Beer! I must have a beer!” I shouted at the cheap, fire-hording whorefaces running the bar.

My camera assist ordered something remarkably similar to pinesol in its odour. It must have had something to do with his Island upbringing. Crazy bastard. “I’m sure you are all of legal age,” the waif collecting the menus stated questioningly.

"That’s never been proven!’

“So,” a strange voice interrupted the conversation I was having with our waitress, “who goes to school with this guy?”

I looked about me. Suddenly my table of close compatriots had been replaced by people who I didn’t know at all. I panicked and shouted, “The Fuck! Who are these people?!”

The owner of the voice was briefly stunned. I tried to hide behind the black wall of my beer wishing fervently that the man wouldn’t noticed that I had consumed too much.

Because Sketch Comedy Was Meant To Be Read Not Watched. Right? Guys?

FADE IN:
EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

A group of young men are running down a soccer field in the middle of the park. They are deep in the middle of an Ultimate frisbee game. Their level of extremeness¹ cannot be quantified.

GUY #1 leaps into the air and snatches the Frisbee from its flight path. He lands and whips the Frisbee down the field as two opponents rush toward him.

GUY #2 runs into the end zone and turns down field. He waves his arms above his head.

GUY #2
I'm open! I'm open!

A top hat flies toward Guy #2 and slices off his head. His body crumples like a rag-doll.

A group of other players stands stunned, yet not surprised. More annoyed than anything really.

GUY #1
Damn it! Oddjob!

On the opposite end of the field, ODDJOB stands in a post-throw stance. His top-hat is gone and he is still holding on to his frisbee.

Oddjob looks at the group of guys.

The group of guys stare angrily back at Oddjob.

Oddjob hangs his head dejectedly.

ODDJOB
Maaaah...

CUT TO CREDITS:

BA DA duuunnn BA DA duuunnn ba da luun duunnnnnn!!!!²
_____________________________________________

¹ The fact that this is a real word according to my spell check has vastly improved my evening.
² It's the James Bond theme as sung atonally and textually by yours truly!

Lost. Season 6 Episode 23: The One Where the Dog is Around When I Die

I have returned from the dark heart of the internets. Little know fact: The dark heart of the internets is located in Cleveland, Ohio in the basement of a Starbucks.

"Ha!" you might be saying, "Lazing about on a vacation no doubt!"

You would be wrong. My hiatus has been filled with things such as work, losing my job, getting sick, looking for a job, losing a small patch of hair on the lower back of my head to stress, stressing about this hair loss, being a huge nerd, and generally other disagreeable things. Hardly a vacation at all.

The economic crisis has hit close to home. I am officially a member of the "hundreds laid off" statistic.

"But what does this have to do with your chosen title?" you might counter.

Absolutely nothing. They have nothing in common. I've had a crap two weeks and compensated for by watching TV, most of which was not Lost. So you win this volley, except for the fact that you are a voice in my head and I'm not really listening to what you have to say.

That said...

Have you ever notice that whenever someone dies on Lost the dog is around? Did I just blow your mind? Don't lie, I'll know if you do.

"My mind is at least 53% blown," you would likely admit.

Of course it is.

"But what about the first bit?" you would press on, "The bad stuff?"

I compensate with humour.

Humour and having fake conversations with the voices in my head via the Internet.

"You know they say the first sign of madness is-" you would start to say and then I would interrupt you (because I am prone to rudeness from time to time).

Madness comes with having been to the Dark Heart of the Internets.

Cleveland, Ohio is no place for the sane.