1:37 Pregnant lady... couldn't possibly be foreshadowing right guys?
1:42 Wow Lindsay looks super-pissed about giving up her seat on the bus to the pregnant lady... smooth moves Lohan.
3:00 I was about to make a "this movie has a token Asian" joke but then it turned out he was Lindsay boyfriend, way to make me feel like an asshole, Movie...you win this round.
4:00 SNL alums... that means the movie will be good right?
4:30 Nevermind recurring poop joke, oh and Lindsay is bad at her job, surprise!
8:00 And all the problems Lindsay will have to fix are laid out in one convenient business meeting
8:30 Dog vomit!
10:28 PLOT! She's (not actually) pregnant to save her job.
11:25 Pregnancies make you unfire-able. It's like being in a union...
12:15 who is this old man who keeps showing up?
13:22 She got the idea from Law & Order, guys
16:31 The nerdy antagonist suspects that the very skinny Lindsay is not, in fact, 4 months pregnant.
17:13 Something terrible is going to happen to that dog, it is like the go to gag for bad comedy writing since Anchorman.
18:49 CALLED IT! Eccentric writer guy just died on the dog. However will Lindsay solve this problem? Will it be at the end of the movie after she has been shamed for faking a pregnancy? Let's find out.
21:00 Yes, because people won't get suspicious if you go from Anorexic to giant preggers belly overnight.
23:01 And the bus joke comes full circle.
25:47 aaaand now we're exploiting the fake pregnancy for capitalism
29:45 The lies they are a-growing. She'll solve her problems by drinking aparently. The true Lindsay Lohan Method.
36:34 You mean the bumbling, attractive, white executive is going to be the love interest and displace the Nice-but-kind-of-immature Asian Guy? Hollywood... I wish I was surprised...
38:00 Fake orgasm joke! HILARIOUS! #sarcasm
39:00 Blandy McBland wants to be a writer? I bet Lohan inspires him to do it, except that would be a cliche...
40:00 And she wanted to be a musician, I see a musical number in this movies future.
43:10 New character lady has Sarah Jessica Parker face...
44:38 Exit Ex-boyfriend stage left
48:13 Nerdy antagonist is now on her side apparently, and there is a really awkward executive named Karl now.
51:42 Pregnancy belly THEFT! because nobody in the store will notice you growing several inches in the change room.
56:50 and now apparently Lindsay has gone crazy and believes she actually is pregnant.
1:09:46 I got bored there for a moment and played some Tetris on my phone. To recap Lindsay's sister went baby-psycho on her and tore up her belly. She replaced it with a balloon. There is no way that could go poorly... right guys?
1:10:13 Pop!
1:11:10 Blandy McBland isn't taking it well, how will LiLo fix this one, and what part will TV Personality Janean Garofallo play in the solution
1:12:40 "The Vista" instead of "The View"? clever movie...
1:14:27 The younger sister who wanted to be a cook but Lindsay wouldn't let be a cook is actually a good cook? shocker. I bet this talent helps solve all her problems.
1:15:48 Ah it ties in directly to the Garofallo conundrum
1:18:00 Pregnant Lady who is in labour is apparently going to be on the Gorafallo show. Oh, no, wait "Clever heartwarming solution" is in effect.
1:23:45 Two Years Later... I bet she's pregnant wouldn't that be hilarious? I should write movies.
1:28:00 Lindsay Lohan apparently needed a stunt double for this movie in which the most strenuous thing she did was slide into home in a softball game...Stay Classy Hollywood
1:29:08 The End. True to it's title this movie was in fact the cinematic equivalent of Labour Pains, I felt like I was peeing out a bowling ball for the last hour and a half...
In the words of a better man than I, "Goldblum ouuuutttttt..."
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Guys, I have important news...
Lindsay Lohan + Pregnancy = Hilarity in crisp straight-to Blue Ray HD quality. Am I Right? Guys? Guys? I just wait here in the awkward silence until you answer...
So it seems the Lindsay Lohan Wheel of Terrible-ness has a new spoke. Am I going to watch it and attempt a live-blog along with it?
Survey Says....YES.
(I promise not to enjoy it.)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Interesting People I saw at the Bus Stop the night of the Folk Festival (Apparently)
-A be-dreaded, dutch girl who magically produced a didgeridoo from under her shawl for an impromptu performance.-Her posse of slightly inebriated weekend hippies, with their tie-die and their hemp bracelets and neatly coiffed hair.
-A stout little man wearing cargo shorts and a tank top carrying a wizard's staff (complete with a magical crystal). I can only assume he was an actual Wizard and that those were his casual weekend clothes.
-An Gypsy chieftain complete with fanciful outfit and creepy dead eye (for looking badass while cursing me).
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Adventures of a Part-Time Rogue: The Beginnening
I have a confession to make (though since I'm pretty sure only my friends read this, it won't be a particularly astonishing one): I roleplay.
DUN. DUN. DUNNNN!
And I don't mean in the "I'll be the strict Dean and you be the naughty school-girl" sort of way....well, not for this post anyways. I mean in the Dungeons and Dragons sort of way. Cue visual:
I've been at it since around grade 10, when I was pulled head-first into the world of pen-and-paper RPGs, by a group of friends. The first game was played during a Forty-Hour Famine event at our high school, as a way of killing time and forgetting our hunger. Now here is where most Dungeons and Dragon confessionals will tell you that their group doesn't fit in to the stereotype, but I'm not going to do that.
We did.
That is not to say that we haven't all grown up to be bright young men with exceptional social skills because we have, but at the time we were the geeks,. The nerds. We wore the terms proudly. Most of us are still geeks (we just got better at hiding it) and we have gone on to become writers, game designers, computer programmers, and political scientists.
So you won't hear any apologetic we-were-cool high school D&D stories from me. That isn't to say the stereotypes are wholly true or that I've yet to find "cool" people who play pen-and-paper games. In fact, since high school the stereotypes have been completely left behind and now I game with cinematographers, snowboarders, plumbers, rock stars, frat boys, and yes, the occasional video game producer. I write and direct films, but seeing as how that really is just a more expensive version of Dungeon Mastering (more on that later) I'll leave myself out of that line-up.
We first began playing, 2nd edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Weeks later Wizards of the Coast would release 3rd edition and we would switch to that, but my first game was AD&D complete with THACO (To Hit Armour Class zerO, I looked it up). Now I'm pretty good at math so THACO wasn't that hard for me to wrap my head around, but the logic behind wanting to have one score low when every other score was supposed to be high never made much sense to me. It was needlessly complicated and I am glad it is gone. I do miss rolling character sheets up on nothing but a chunk of loose-leaf though.
So with the Famine rapidly approaching High Schoo Stu had to roll up his first character. It was at this moment, lunch on a Friday in the Tech Support Students lounge, that I began a long career of perfecting the Elven Ranger build. Now I may tend towards roguish humans these days, but I still get a sense of home whenever I play something with pointy ears and a bow. He was pretty rough to start off with, but after all it was the first character I ever made. Later rangers would excel in the art of staying hidden and sniping from the trees, annoying fellow players by never getting hit, and perplexing Dungeon Master's who never did figure out that they should stop setting battles in forests where I was at a distinct advantage.
But old Leos, wasn't quite so magnificent of a build, none of his stats and ability choices really mixed all that well and he had the charisma of a particularly dull chunk of oak. I imagine him somewhere still hacking away at Kobolds with his longsword and rusty chainmail. Somehow I can't see him progressing too far past the early levels, but he's a survivor and my first so I can't allow myself to imagine him dead.
His career lasted all of one game, storming a dungeon alongside a mute, dwarven beastmaster, a talky Half-Elf Mage, and a human barbarian or fighter or something big with a sword that hit people a lot, but somewhere between brainstorming with the mage to set a flaming grease trap for a couple of Goblins behind a door and one-shoting both of the DM's big bad pet dire wolves, I was hooked. No amount of snowboarding and starting positions on the high school basketball team could save me from the nerdery to come.
DUN. DUN. DUNNNN!
And I don't mean in the "I'll be the strict Dean and you be the naughty school-girl" sort of way....well, not for this post anyways. I mean in the Dungeons and Dragons sort of way. Cue visual:
I've been at it since around grade 10, when I was pulled head-first into the world of pen-and-paper RPGs, by a group of friends. The first game was played during a Forty-Hour Famine event at our high school, as a way of killing time and forgetting our hunger. Now here is where most Dungeons and Dragon confessionals will tell you that their group doesn't fit in to the stereotype, but I'm not going to do that.We did.
That is not to say that we haven't all grown up to be bright young men with exceptional social skills because we have, but at the time we were the geeks,. The nerds. We wore the terms proudly. Most of us are still geeks (we just got better at hiding it) and we have gone on to become writers, game designers, computer programmers, and political scientists.
So you won't hear any apologetic we-were-cool high school D&D stories from me. That isn't to say the stereotypes are wholly true or that I've yet to find "cool" people who play pen-and-paper games. In fact, since high school the stereotypes have been completely left behind and now I game with cinematographers, snowboarders, plumbers, rock stars, frat boys, and yes, the occasional video game producer. I write and direct films, but seeing as how that really is just a more expensive version of Dungeon Mastering (more on that later) I'll leave myself out of that line-up.
We first began playing, 2nd edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. Weeks later Wizards of the Coast would release 3rd edition and we would switch to that, but my first game was AD&D complete with THACO (To Hit Armour Class zerO, I looked it up). Now I'm pretty good at math so THACO wasn't that hard for me to wrap my head around, but the logic behind wanting to have one score low when every other score was supposed to be high never made much sense to me. It was needlessly complicated and I am glad it is gone. I do miss rolling character sheets up on nothing but a chunk of loose-leaf though.
So with the Famine rapidly approaching High Schoo Stu had to roll up his first character. It was at this moment, lunch on a Friday in the Tech Support Students lounge, that I began a long career of perfecting the Elven Ranger build. Now I may tend towards roguish humans these days, but I still get a sense of home whenever I play something with pointy ears and a bow. He was pretty rough to start off with, but after all it was the first character I ever made. Later rangers would excel in the art of staying hidden and sniping from the trees, annoying fellow players by never getting hit, and perplexing Dungeon Master's who never did figure out that they should stop setting battles in forests where I was at a distinct advantage.
But old Leos, wasn't quite so magnificent of a build, none of his stats and ability choices really mixed all that well and he had the charisma of a particularly dull chunk of oak. I imagine him somewhere still hacking away at Kobolds with his longsword and rusty chainmail. Somehow I can't see him progressing too far past the early levels, but he's a survivor and my first so I can't allow myself to imagine him dead.
His career lasted all of one game, storming a dungeon alongside a mute, dwarven beastmaster, a talky Half-Elf Mage, and a human barbarian or fighter or something big with a sword that hit people a lot, but somewhere between brainstorming with the mage to set a flaming grease trap for a couple of Goblins behind a door and one-shoting both of the DM's big bad pet dire wolves, I was hooked. No amount of snowboarding and starting positions on the high school basketball team could save me from the nerdery to come.
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