Dudelady.
Sex Capitalist.
Pedophile Chic.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Hey Interwebs! It's My Un-Fake Birthday! And Maybe a Little Less Blasphemy...
So I am 24. Officially (As of roughly 9:35pm today).
I do feel a little more grown up, before you ask. I think that is solely a result of having received high quality pots and pans for my birthday and having been excited about it. No real growth there, or maybe it is more genuine growth than those "life changing moments" you hear about.
I'll leave it up to the philosophers.
Besides you come here for bad jokes and to listen to me call Princess Peach a bitch*.
All in all it has been a relaxing two days and I finished 2 and a half books, which is nothing to sneeze at. Nothing much else to say in a paragraph so here are some random thoughts presented in point form:
-It's just isn't Christmas without Scotch, beer, Bailey's, Rum, Wine, and Port. ~EDIT~ And also Mead...delicious delicious Mead... ~EDIT~
-I'm not an alcoholic. Shut Up!
-Snow continues to be awesome and also Vancouver Drivers continue to be hilarious in it.
-My English Grandpa on Irish women: "I thought Mum (my granny) was just Mum, but then I went to Ireland and they were all like that"
-Sleeping on an air mattress in the living takes a bit of the mystique out of the Christmas season.
-Rearranging the Nativity Scene so the Three Wise Men are stealing Baby Jesus and have replaced him with a lamb continues to be hilarious.
-Does getting a slight thrill out of reading The God Delusion in front of my Irish Granny make me a bad person?
And that is all,
Merry Christmas Everybody!
_________________________________________________________________
*Which she is.
I do feel a little more grown up, before you ask. I think that is solely a result of having received high quality pots and pans for my birthday and having been excited about it. No real growth there, or maybe it is more genuine growth than those "life changing moments" you hear about.
I'll leave it up to the philosophers.
Besides you come here for bad jokes and to listen to me call Princess Peach a bitch*.
All in all it has been a relaxing two days and I finished 2 and a half books, which is nothing to sneeze at. Nothing much else to say in a paragraph so here are some random thoughts presented in point form:
-It's just isn't Christmas without Scotch, beer, Bailey's, Rum, Wine, and Port. ~EDIT~ And also Mead...delicious delicious Mead... ~EDIT~
-I'm not an alcoholic. Shut Up!
-Snow continues to be awesome and also Vancouver Drivers continue to be hilarious in it.
-My English Grandpa on Irish women: "I thought Mum (my granny) was just Mum, but then I went to Ireland and they were all like that"
-Sleeping on an air mattress in the living takes a bit of the mystique out of the Christmas season.
-Rearranging the Nativity Scene so the Three Wise Men are stealing Baby Jesus and have replaced him with a lamb continues to be hilarious.
-Does getting a slight thrill out of reading The God Delusion in front of my Irish Granny make me a bad person?
And that is all,
Merry Christmas Everybody!
_________________________________________________________________
*Which she is.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Hey Internets! It's My Fake Birthday! Also Some Blasphemy!
photo courtesy of Alice K.My Fake Birthday.
It just so happens that I share a birthday with the Late Mr. Christ (or the day before his birthday, or the nowhere near his birthday because really it was spring blah blah blah) and so it is often the case that I don't get to celebrate the most historical birth in history (I'm talking about mine) with my friends.
People are always asking me if it sucks to have my birthday the day before Christmas. They often are asking this because they assume I get less presents. This is not the case. My swag intake has never suffered on account of my birth's proximity to the other major gift-giving holidays. No, it is often terrible for an entirely different reason.
I don't want to get all sappy here, but what sucks the most is that I often don't get to celebrate with my friends. Now, sometimes it has gotten to me and I have blamed my friends in my own quiet way but mostly I understand. I've never really gone out of my way to make a celebration happen, but then it has always been my way of thinking that planning and throwing a celebration of yourself is somehow boastful and wrong.
But this year it is my Champagne birthday. 24 at 24. Not everyone has a chance to celebrate such an event and I didn't really want to miss out. Thankfully, I did not have to take that step into the realm I didn't feel comfortable in entering as my friends have organized a Fake Birthday today. I'm five days shy of 24, but I'll enjoy the champagne all the same.
Basically what I'm saying is thanks Alice and Graeme for putting this together.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Regarding the Brothers Mario
As a child of the 80s there is one thing I love: Video Games. Not just the flashy 3D graphics to be found on the latest NextGen system, but the pixel-powered pleasures of the post-Atari days (check out that alliteration!). I'm talking Nintendo. I'm talking Nintendo Entertainment System. I'm talking NES. And most importantly I'm talking Mario Brothers1.Love and praise for everyone's most beloved Italian plumbers, there are a few things that just don't sit right with me when I take a trip down the green pipe to the land of talking mushrooms and flying turtles. Chief among these is Princess Peach. Now I know there are some Princess Peach apologists out there but I'm just going to come right out and say it, to hell with Political Correctness, Princess Peach is a bitch.
Now normally I'd say cue hate-mail, but in this case I don't think I am alone in this one. After years of finding out that "the princess is in another (fucking) castle,"2 I think that my generation is quite frankly sick of her royal highness. I don't think i am the only one who feels like there should be an option to let the princess rescue her own goddamn self.
Not to mention that when you do finally end up rescuing her, after risking life and limb for the sake of love, what do you get? What is your reward? Cake. CAKE! Let me out this in perspective for you. You SINGLE HANDEDLY sack like 12 fucking castles and destroy an armada of Airships that fire living bullets at you and your reward is CAKE! You don't even get a kiss! That sailor who came home from World War II got a kiss and he didn't even know the girl, but you search out and rescue a girl who you are apparently in love with and all you get is some goddamn pastries. Furthermore, I don't even think I ever saw that cake.
The cake is a lie!
I rest my case.
______________________________________________________
1 Seriously as if it wasn't hard enough for Luigi to escape his Mario's shadow but he had to have the guy's name follow him around as a last name. You fail Ma and Pa Mario.
2 And who's side is Toad on really? Looks to me like he's acting as a decoy for Bowser. I think I just uncovered a major conspiracy in the mushroom kingdom here.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Of Cripples and Coffee Bets
or Day 13: The Bloggening
The left side of my body has made it almost 24 years without serious injury, though the pinky finger on my left hand might protest having been torn open by a falling basketball net at the tender age of 11. The right side, also known as the side I use most often, has not fared so luckily. Even most of the concussions I have received in my illustrious concussion career have been the result of a high speed impact of the right side of my skull and some ill remembered solid object. For my time-challenged Web 2.0 lifestyle readers here is a handy list of right-side injuries:
1. Effed-Up (that's the technical term) Knee.
2. Concussions 2 through 5 and 7
3. Broken Wrist (Never properly healed on account of a self-diagnoses that it was a sprain that would totally heal in 2 to 6 weeks)
4. Actually Sprained Wrist
and
5. Dislocated Shoulder on account of saving actresses and totally being a hero.
Thanks to number 5 I have been riding the Worker's Compensation Train for the better part of the 4th Quarter of 2008. The time off has allowed me a lot of time. Time is good. Time also tends to lose all meaning when you have no reference point to base it on. That is beside the point, however, and I don't want to spin wildly off the non-existent topic of this post. We'll both figure it out by the end I promise.*
But before you do, SIDE NOTE: Quintin Tarantino has terrible grammar.
Back on topic, I have had a lot of free time that needed to be filled up with stuff. Stuff. Obviously new friends have been a great source of stuff. And having a roommate on sick leave from his job for the entirety did hurt. But onto the Stuff...
I bought half an XBOX, the other half was a lovely Christmas gift, but it isn't important. The why is important and the why is Girls. Girls have played a large part in the Stuff (Caffeine hasn't but we'll get to that in a moment). Let me put this into a Scenario starring the cast of "House":
WILSON: I just think it is a bit creepy to bring a girl back here on the grounds of wanting to watch a movie and then saying, "Oops we don't have a DVD player, we'll have to watch it on my computer... in my room... on my bed..."
HOUSE: (Witty, Snide, Cutting Remark)
Of course, Time had already lost all meaning at this point and so nothing happened. The days past, I forgot to bring my wallet to a lunch, there were Star Wars quotes, and I sacrificed a copy of "Gattaca" (after almost buying a VHS of "The Third Wheel" starring Ben Affleck for 2 dollars) to my ageing VCR. More pressingly, WILSON was planning on bringing CUDDY over to watch a movie. We simply needed a DVD player so I bought an Xbox. Girls.
SIDE NOTE: Wilson and Cuddy never watched that DVD, but House did kick ass at Mass Effect.
Because I Promised
I told you we would get to the coffee issue, and rightly seeing as it is in the title, and here we are. I'm done with coffee. And Caffeine. And any sort of Pop (I know, "but what about your last name Hur Hur Hur." I secretly hate you...). It started as a simple agreement to better ourselves between A friend and I, we'll call him Jordan because, well, that's his name (and the House metaphor kind of fell apart way back when I had Wilson and Cuddy on a date and House trying to help). He would go without Porn and I would go without Coke.
Of course saying "it started out as dot dot dot" generally means it didn't end up that way. One man's agreement is another man's bet.
"What's it for? How do you win? What's the prize"
"Self-Improvement. You don't. Seriously it's not a bet."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"But..."
"I'm in"
And so my No-Coke agreement became a No-Pop bet became a No-Caffeine Competition. With everyone else swearing off porn. Johnny and the German were the first to fall. The rest of us sit uneasily on Day 13. It's almost over (the day not the bet) and I will be able to lay that lucky 14th strike on the board, but my hands still tremble with withdrawal as I do so, but I don't intend to lose. I'm nothing if not competitive and stubborn.
related SIDE-NOTE: I recently learnt that Chocolate contains caffeine... "thanks" Alice...
______________________________________________________________
*Okay so I was wrong, I still don't know the point of this post and you are probably more confused than I am. But hey, at last it was funny in parts right? right?
The left side of my body has made it almost 24 years without serious injury, though the pinky finger on my left hand might protest having been torn open by a falling basketball net at the tender age of 11. The right side, also known as the side I use most often, has not fared so luckily. Even most of the concussions I have received in my illustrious concussion career have been the result of a high speed impact of the right side of my skull and some ill remembered solid object. For my time-challenged Web 2.0 lifestyle readers here is a handy list of right-side injuries:
1. Effed-Up (that's the technical term) Knee.
2. Concussions 2 through 5 and 7
3. Broken Wrist (Never properly healed on account of a self-diagnoses that it was a sprain that would totally heal in 2 to 6 weeks)
4. Actually Sprained Wrist
and
5. Dislocated Shoulder on account of saving actresses and totally being a hero.
Thanks to number 5 I have been riding the Worker's Compensation Train for the better part of the 4th Quarter of 2008. The time off has allowed me a lot of time. Time is good. Time also tends to lose all meaning when you have no reference point to base it on. That is beside the point, however, and I don't want to spin wildly off the non-existent topic of this post. We'll both figure it out by the end I promise.*
But before you do, SIDE NOTE: Quintin Tarantino has terrible grammar.
Back on topic, I have had a lot of free time that needed to be filled up with stuff. Stuff. Obviously new friends have been a great source of stuff. And having a roommate on sick leave from his job for the entirety did hurt. But onto the Stuff...
I bought half an XBOX, the other half was a lovely Christmas gift, but it isn't important. The why is important and the why is Girls. Girls have played a large part in the Stuff (Caffeine hasn't but we'll get to that in a moment). Let me put this into a Scenario starring the cast of "House":
WILSON: I just think it is a bit creepy to bring a girl back here on the grounds of wanting to watch a movie and then saying, "Oops we don't have a DVD player, we'll have to watch it on my computer... in my room... on my bed..."
HOUSE: (Witty, Snide, Cutting Remark)
Of course, Time had already lost all meaning at this point and so nothing happened. The days past, I forgot to bring my wallet to a lunch, there were Star Wars quotes, and I sacrificed a copy of "Gattaca" (after almost buying a VHS of "The Third Wheel" starring Ben Affleck for 2 dollars) to my ageing VCR. More pressingly, WILSON was planning on bringing CUDDY over to watch a movie. We simply needed a DVD player so I bought an Xbox. Girls.
SIDE NOTE: Wilson and Cuddy never watched that DVD, but House did kick ass at Mass Effect.
Because I Promised
I told you we would get to the coffee issue, and rightly seeing as it is in the title, and here we are. I'm done with coffee. And Caffeine. And any sort of Pop (I know, "but what about your last name Hur Hur Hur." I secretly hate you...). It started as a simple agreement to better ourselves between A friend and I, we'll call him Jordan because, well, that's his name (and the House metaphor kind of fell apart way back when I had Wilson and Cuddy on a date and House trying to help). He would go without Porn and I would go without Coke.
Of course saying "it started out as dot dot dot" generally means it didn't end up that way. One man's agreement is another man's bet.
"What's it for? How do you win? What's the prize"
"Self-Improvement. You don't. Seriously it's not a bet."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"But..."
"I'm in"
And so my No-Coke agreement became a No-Pop bet became a No-Caffeine Competition. With everyone else swearing off porn. Johnny and the German were the first to fall. The rest of us sit uneasily on Day 13. It's almost over (the day not the bet) and I will be able to lay that lucky 14th strike on the board, but my hands still tremble with withdrawal as I do so, but I don't intend to lose. I'm nothing if not competitive and stubborn.
related SIDE-NOTE: I recently learnt that Chocolate contains caffeine... "thanks" Alice...
______________________________________________________________
*Okay so I was wrong, I still don't know the point of this post and you are probably more confused than I am. But hey, at last it was funny in parts right? right?
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
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