A Note on Top Fives (with a bullet)

I've spent the better portion of my adult life affiliated in some way or another with the industry known so often as "The Industry". Film. Granted I've only really been an adult for four years but technicalities aren't really important here. What is important is a phenomenon that seems more prevalent amongst my peers than any other social circle I have belonged to¹:

The Top Five.
The Dreaded Top Five.
The "I can't pick just five" Top Five
The All-Time Desert Island Top FIVE.

It's an interesting social tool in a world where what you like is oftentimes more important than any other character trait you might possess. Exceptionally honest and possessed of high moral fibre? Too bad, you put White Chicks at number two. I mean, no friendships have ever been lost on account of a top five choice, we're not that cruel, but certainly some friendships that could have been were not based these numbered lists of opinions. Granted these sorts of things can be overcome, but it's a lot easier to make friends in this weird little world, and it is it's own world, if you like the same movies.

It might seem like an awful thing to do, but we do keep the judging largely to ourselves. If you aren't a filmmaker or good friends with a filmmaker (in which case their tastes are expected to have rubbed off) then we don't really care. Your opinion doesn't really matter to the majority of us. In fact to them² you trying to list a top five is almost cute, like a cat pooping in a toilet. It's a dickish and elitist mindset, but it is our nature. We're all critics at heart (we judge ourselves worst if that is any consolation).

Sorry. I apologize for having judged everyone with a DVD collection I've ever met.

Now get over it.

A side effect of all this judging is our inability to choose "just 5" of whatever it is. Usually this indecision is most common when you get down to the nitty gritty of it, The All-Time Desert Island Top Five Films, though it pops its shiny head into any and all top 5 discussions. I personally find it quite amusing that the people who spend the most time thinking about these lists are the people most afraid of being asked to make one. It is a hard thing to do knowing that you will be judged severely for a "wrong" choice. Usually the only way to wrangle a Top 5 out of a film-person is to drop the disclaimer "Only for now, subject to change, and come on dude we're only talking favourites not what you think is best!³" and even then...you'll probably have to give an answer too. Nobody jumps off a bridge unless their friends do it too.

The thought process behind The All-Time Desert Island Top 5 can be broken down like this:

1) This is easiest. Many of my peers might disagree. They might throw out a "How can I really pick just one movie?" This question is bullshit. Picking one favourite movie is the easiest thing in the world. Most people have already done it, subconsciously, and anyone who says they can't pick just one is a liar and probably trying to make themselves out to be someone who has seen too many good movies to choose from and not someone who owns the Karate Kid box set and owner of a Miagi Dojo headband.

2) Number two is a little harder than number one. If you have a number one that you are ashamed of (though you shouldn't be ashamed of your favourite movie) then number two is where you will be trying to make up for it with a more respectable choice. Otherwise this spot is reserved for the film that was almost your number one but then wasn't.

3) The second hardest of them all. This is where you really need to start thinking. Number Three is where you will be rounding out your tastes. Number Three is perhaps the most representative of your tastes on a whole. You need to pick something unlike One and Two so as to really show that you have broad and diverse tastes. You don't want to fuck this up because in a Top 5 really only the top 3 matter, the rest is flavour.

4) Four is easy. Four is the throwaway. You still need to pick something you like (bad choices can still count against), but there is no pressure since anything you forget can always go in number Five. Go with something quirky or a cult favourite to separate yourself from the pack. Go for the funny choice (sometimes a getting a laugh for a choice is better than picking a movie other people actually agree with).

5) The hardest of them all,. This might seem odd because, as I said, only the Top 3 really matter but this is the spot that takes the most thought and is generally the most subject to change. This is because Number Five is the last chance you've got to fill in the blanks. You need to make sure you didn't miss anything and all of a sudden movies that should be sitting higher start coming at you like a hail of gunfire. Godfather. No wait I forgot Easy Rider. Shit. Do I have too many 70s movies? Ghostbusters! FUCK. It's Hell⁴.

There are other rules. I won't go into detail. Knowing too much about the process would taint it for you. Let me just say, god help you if anything younger than a year old is sitting in your top 2. A top 5 Number One needs to be aged like a fine wine, lest you be accused of just liking something because it is fresh in your mind (even if it is the best film ever made).

Now it wouldn't be fair to leave you without giving you my top five, so with all the above information in mind here we go:

The All-Time Desert Island Top 5 Favourite Films

1) Star Wars. The Original. Not Empire.

2) High Fidelity. (It might be that I am pretty much Rob Gordon, but I love this film despite its technical faults. Dave however will say that I am disqualified for this choice)

3) The Big Lebowski (It may not seem like a rounding out Number Three choice to pick a second comedy but what I am really doing here is picking the Coen Brothers)

4) Jurassic Park (Fun Fact: I was almost a paleontologist)

5) The Warriors (I was going to put Easy Rider because I felt my list was too young and too blockbustery but in reality it is The Warriors, with a bullet. In fact it should probably sit higher on this list but that is the indecisive nature of Top 5s)

Now get to judging.

And please feel free to share: I welcome the opportunity to pass my own judgement on everyone else's favourite cinematic experiences

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¹ Except maybe music.
² And in the interest of owning my faults, I too have thought this way. I'm a jackass.
³ Though really we judge them as the opposite way.
⁴ Last week while talking Top 5's over beers I put The Dark Knight trailer at number 5, safely getting the laugh and avoiding having to make any real decision.