Crosstalk: Books I Own That Might Actually Be Porn Films

5. Island of the Sequined Love Nun


Stu: Check out the bottom of the book cover. That there is a picture of a kidney surgery. I like to consider myself in touch with the likes and dislikes of the average Joe and I don't know anyone who has ever said "I saw this video of invasive surgery and it totally made me hard"

Also there is a bat, in broad daylight, which excludes the possibility of it turning into a sexy vampire. That leaves only one option: creepy rat with wings that gets caught in your hair and has breath that smells of rotting insects.

Plus the woman on the cover is PG-13 clothed and I don't know of any porn that doesn't feature at least 7 vaginas on the cover. Clearly the imagery on the cover of this Russian print of Island of the Sequined Love Nun belongs to something only the mind of an author could concoct.

Alternate Universe Stu: Island of the Sequined Love Nun? Come on. Clearly we aren't talking about the "Jesus Loves Us All" brand of brotherly love here. The woman in the red scrap of fabric definitely doesn't love you "like a friend." No Sir. It's definitely a title that belongs to the world of adult entertainment.

I imagine it plays out something like this: On a poorly constructed beach set there is a woman with low self esteem who happens to be dressed vaguely as a nun encounters an island tribe member who just happens to have a New York accent and access to hair products. She resists his advances at first (she is a nun after all) but quickly gives in because hey we're on the clock here. Cut to a surgeon and his nurse, working in some island hospital (which looks curiously like a beach house with a "surgery table" in it. They have just finished helping a patient and decide to try a little invasive procedure of their own. Later the doctor discovers the nun being ravaged by the slick-haired tribesman and chases him off. The nun repays him in the only way she know how and the nurse probably helps for no apparent reason.

4. Porno

Stu: Porn studios tend to like to present their work as something more than just porno. They will go to great lengths to say that their product is the latest innovation in real-time adult erotic visual entertainment when all they really mean is "It's Porn." but part of the porn game is pretend what you do isn't smut so you don't cry yourself to sleep at night, thus calling your product "Porno" is only possible if it isn't actually porno or else the illusion is broken. Verdict: Book

Alternate Universe Stu: Apparently Slutty Slut-filled Sluts who like Sluts 17 just wasn't clear enough as to what is contained within. This porn (and could it be anything else, the title really does prevent confusion here) is finally appealing to the lowest common denominator. Judging from the cover it probably features blow-up dolls, to each their own I suppose.

3. Monstrous Regiment

Stu: British Red Coats? More ridiculous than sexy. The only place I ever see British soldiers pop up is in long, boring dramatic films based on BOOKS and that one Mel Gibson movie where I learn that all British people are the Devil and we should attack them with axes or they with rape our houses and burn our wives down or something....I wasn't really paying attention.

Alternate Universe Stu: I will grant you that Red Coats do not traditionally equate with sexy. However, judging from the very bare lady legs peeking out on the bottom half of this cover I would hazard to guess that the uniforms don't stay on for long. Also Monstrous Regiment is clearly a metaphor which I won't get into other than to say I don't think any of the soldiers in this story will have much trouble filling their white trousers.

2. Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

Stu: The porn world doesn't exactly like to be overt with the drug use that goes on and so I doubt they would feature a pill-popping anything on the cover of one of their products. Plus I honestly don't believe anybody in that industry would be able to tell you what melancholy means let alone be able to spell it (except Asia Carrera because she is a member of MENSA, apparently). Book, the end.

Alternate Universe Stu: Lust Lizard = penis, Cove = vajayjay.

1. The Bone Museum

Stu: I get that the word bone would have 5th graders and Beavis and Butthead fans everywhere fall into an endless loop of nervous giggling but this book is clearly about Dinosaurs. Good Ol' Dinosaurs safe in their musty books and forever safe from the slime-ridden tentacles of the porn ind-oh god! oh god my eyes! my virgin eyes!*

*please don't click these links. Seriously I accidentally stumbled upon them looking for an image for the Bone Museum section of this post and I almost clawed my eyes out. What was not destroyed of my childhood by Michael Bay' Transformers has now been beaten into a bloody lifeless pulp. Jurassic Park will never be watchable again.